


If Tomorrow Never Comes

by HarperJean



Series: Hotel Paper [1]
Category: Hanson (Band), Michelle Branch - Fandom
Genre: Bands, F/M, Heartbreak, Inspired by Music, Lost Love, Music, Musicians, Teen Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:13:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9584996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarperJean/pseuds/HarperJean
Summary: In June 2003, Michelle Branch released her second major studio album "Hotel Paper".  The album is packed with intricate melodies and heart wrenching lyrics, taking the listener on an emotional journey of lost love - anger, hopelessness, and the desperate need for acceptance.This is the story of "Hotel Paper".





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic years ago, and am now editing each chapter as I post (because my writing has definitely come a long way in the past few years). Michelle Branch is and always will be a HUGE influence on my songwriting, and Hotel Paper has been one of my favorite albums since the day it was released. The first time I heard it, I could feel this story -- it's laid out right there for the listener to see clearly. Michelle is releasing a new album this year, so I thought maybe it was time to let this story see the light of day. 
> 
> If Taylor/Michelle isn't your thing, that's okay!! You don't have to read it. But if you do read it, I hope you see that the point of telling this story is not to shove the ship down anyone's throats. The point of telling this story is just that...to tell the story. 
> 
> Of course, this is all fiction. I don't know any of these people, and I don't know if this is even CLOSE to how the real events played out. Enjoy!

I believe in soulmates. I have since I was a little girl. 

I’m a daydreamer by nature. I tend to slip off into my own thoughts and stories and forget that the world is spinning on outside of my head. When I was younger I would daydream for hours, losing whole afternoons to the narratives inside my head. I just figured at some point I would grow out of it. I never did. 

I have lived entire lives inside my daydreams. I have been a hundred different people. Maybe it was because I grew up underneath the limitless Arizona sky, or maybe it was just because my parents always indulged me, handing me my first guitar at the tender age of fourteen so that I could weave my daydreams into melodies. I’m not sure what it was that made me such a hopeless romantic. A girl who sees a story in everything. 

I believe in soulmates, but maybe not in the way you do. 

I believe that there are certain people that come into our lives and change everything. Those people are the ones that the universe has destined us to meet, to learn from, to break, to love. I don’t know if I believe in true love. Am I fascinated by it? Well, yes of course. Aren’t we all, in some way? It’s shoved down our throats from the time we are old enough to pay attention to a bedtime fairy tale. 

I believe in soulmates, but not the kind that end up together, happily ever after. That’s far too easy. I believe in the people that come into our lives like a hurricane, reminding us why storms are given human names. I believe in the people that flood our lives, annihilating everything we thought we knew in the process. The kind of people that make you think you want to give up instead of treading the water that will just not stop rushing in under the door. Because in the end, they wash you clean. They scrub away the stains, leaving nothing but the smell of rain. I believe in that, because it’s what happened to me. 

This is a love story.

It just isn’t mine.


	2. Are You Happy Now?

_Now, don’t just walk away_   
_Pretending everything’s okay_   
_And you don’t care about me_   
_And I know there’s just no use_   
_When all your lies become your truth..._

Michelle doodled lyrics in her journal as she lazily pushed herself back and forth on the hammock in her family’s back yard. She loved laying there for hours, watching the blue Arizona sky sail past her and change hue slightly as the world spun. That was her favorite color, no doubt about it. The color of the huge dome above her head on a clear day. Her favorite guitar was blue, the one she took with her everywhere. It was a part of her. She felt like if you cut her open, the color blue would pour out. 

Songwriting was her favorite thing to do in the entire world, even more so than performing music. She loved getting swept up in the process. Sitting down in her room with a pad of paper and her guitar and emerging hours later with fully formed songs. She would completely lose track of time, so engrossed in the melodies that were spilling out of her throat that she didn’t even realize the sun setting or the stars beginning to twinkle. She would forget to eat dinner until one of her parents came upstairs, knocking on her door with a plate of leftovers. She would smile sheepishly from behind her guitar, and hold up a full notebook of lyrics as if to show her winnings. 

It was her songwriting that got her noticed. 

There are people that come into our lives that change the course of everything. They are the point you can draw every road map back to and say “Here. This is where it began.” Michelle was just a girl with a dream in her head and a melody in her bones before she met him. 

The weeks leading up to Michelle’s meeting with the band she would eventually open for a couple times were all muddled in her mind. She remembered getting calls from her manager, her parents’ excitement, her desperate attempt to prepare herself. She practiced every song she knew, unaware of how the meeting would go, or if they would even ask her to play music in the first place. She liked to be prepared, though. She was so nervous when she walked up to the conference room, her brain felt as though it was completely turned off, until she opened the door. Years later she could tell you every single detail of that meeting, if she needed to. There are certain moments that define the course of our lives.

That just happened to be one of them 

She often dipped back into that memory or the ones that followed when she was writing songs. She looked up from the hammock to see her mom reading on the porch. It was nice to be visiting home for a little while, after the whirlwind of recording her album in California. Earlier that afternoon, her dad had seen her writing in her journal and said “Didn’t you just put all your songs on a CD, Chelle?” 

“It doesn’t turn off, Dad,” She said with a smirk. It was true. She thought in lyrics, at this point. 

She had a theory that the reason songs flowed so easily out of her pen and onto the page was because she fell in love too easily. It happened so often. Someone would look at her kindly, or talk to her after a solo coffee shop gig, or offer to buy her a drink even though she was still too young. She would smile and look down at her feet, feeling her heart flutter a little too fast. Every stranger had a story, and she was fascinated by each and every one of them. She fell in love with people’s laughs and eyes and the way they pronounced certain words. She fell in love with ideas. Sometimes she felt like there was so much love inside of her that she might burst, and when that happened, she wrote. 

The sky was just beginning to darken, and she smiled quietly to herself. The color of the ocean above her head reminded her of a certain blue eyed boy. 

***

“Hey.” 

“Hey! I didn’t know if you were gonna call tonight.” 

“Well, here I am. How was your day?” 

“It was pretty uneventful, which I definitely didn’t mind. It’s nice to be home. I missed my family. And there’s something about Arizona that I just miss whenever I’m not here. The sky is so big.” 

“Yeah I understand that. Sometimes I miss Oklahoma so much I wonder why we even decided to spend so much time in LA, but I guess it’s a necessary evil for music making.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I can’t believe your album’s done.”

“Oh God, me either. I felt like it was never going to be finished, and now that it is I miss being in the studio. Isn’t that stupid?”

“No, I get it.” 

“I think I love the studio the most out of everything. More than performing even, I don’t know. I just...I love getting in the booth and singing my heart out, and if I mess up I can do another take, or if the song decides to change course, we can rearrange the parts and it’s just...it’s like a living...breathing...why...why are you laughing at me!?” 

“You’re just getting so worked up over studio time, it’s adorable.” 

“Shut up.” 

“No, keep talking about it, it’s cute.” 

“You know what I mean! Listen, I’ve never made an album okay? I’m sorry I didn’t start a band when I was eleven like some people.” 

“I’m a special case, okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” 

“When do I get to hear it?” 

“I already sent you a pre-sale copy.” 

“Good.” 

“What are you up to tonight?” 

“I was gonna go out but I don’t know if I have it in me tonight. We wrote and recorded demos all day, I’m kind of spent.” 

“You can just talk to me until you get tired.” 

“That is so okay with me. Oh, I never heard the final word...what did you go with for the album title?”

“The Spirit Room.” 

“I….I love that.” 

“Really?”

“Yeah, I really do. It’s so you. It sounds like you look.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Just trust me.” 

“Okay.” 

“Come back to LA and play music with me.” 

“I’ll be back soon.” 

“Yeah but then you’ll go on tour.” 

“Eventually, yeah. But I’m sure I’ll have time to hang out with you before I leave and in between stuff.” 

“When do you get back?” 

“Next week. Can you wait that long?” 

“I’ll try my very best, but I’m not making any promises.” 

“I believe in you.” 

“Thanks, spirit lady.” 

“You’re so weird.” 

“I know. People think I’m the normal one, but really I’m the strangest.” 

“Who thinks you’re the normal one? Ike is very clearly the normal one.” 

“I’m glad you didn’t say Zac.” 

“Well, I’m not an idiot!” 

“No, you’re certainly not that. You’re smart. And the best at making words sound pretty together.” 

“Well _those_ words certainly didn’t sound pretty together, but thank you I appreciate it. Your flattery is almost too much to bear at times, you know that right?” 

“I do. It’s kind of what I’m known for.” 

“Will you sing me something?”

“On the phone?” 

“Yeah. You said you were working all day on stuff. Unless you’re too tired, then we can just keep talking.” 

“No I’ll sing you something. Let me grab my guitar. But you realize what that means, right?” 

“What, that I have to sing you something after you’re done?” 

“Exactly.” 

***

Michelle didn’t mean to fall for Taylor, but she wasn’t surprised when she felt her cheeks grow hot after he looked at her over the conference room table for the first time, his sky blue eyes peering into her own. He looked as though he could read her thoughts, and sometimes she wondered if he actually did have that power. 

She denied herself the crush for as long as she possibly could, convincing herself that they were, for all intents and purposes, coworkers. And, technically speaking, this was her first real job. Michelle joined the band for merely two shows, opening for them in California and Arizona. It wasn’t anything too exciting, but to her it was the time of her young life thus far. Hanson had played hundreds of shows since their career took off, so for all she knew, they would forget about her as soon as she got off the bus at the airport, flying back home to her unexceptional life in Sedona. But, Taylor kept in touch. There was something about her songs that he just couldn’t let go of, even if they were now hundreds of miles apart. He called her a couple times, and when she moved to LA to start working on her album, they met up for coffee. 

The conversation never stopped as they sat and drank their lattes. Taylor told her about the rest of the tour, and Michelle gushed about her plans for her album, the songs she had to whittle down from her ever expanding collection in order to fit them on just one CD. Finally, Taylor got a call from Zac, hours after they had drained their cups, and he rushed off, looking over his shoulder as he walked away. 

It was then, and only then, that Michelle allowed herself to admit - she was falling for him. And hard. 

The next few weeks passed by in a happy daze. She was recording her album, spending her days in the studio where she felt the most alive she could possibly feel, buzzing from the act of music making, and spending her evenings at Taylor’s rental home, hanging out with him and his brothers, strumming mindlessly and laughing until there was no more breath in their lungs. She was doing what she loved more than anything in this whole world, and when she missed the sky of home, she just looked into Taylor’s eyes. 

But now, she _was home_ , and she found that she missed Taylor more than she thought she ever would. They weren’t even _together_ , they just...always seemed to end their days in each other’s presence. They slung their legs over each other on the couch and curled their bodies together in bed. They sang love songs together and wrote about each other constantly, but neither of them really knew what any of that meant. Michelle was surprised that she didn’t mind in the least. 

For now, she was happy.


	3. Find Your Way Back

_And you told me_  
_Everything I wanted to hear_  
_And you sold me_  
_Now I don't know how I should feel_  
_I should know me_  
_And baby, you would think I knew better_

The week Michelle spent at home felt like it lasted forever. It surprised her more than anyone, seeing as she had been so excited to be back and spend time with her family, but she caught herself more than once gazing out the dining room window at the dinner table, thinking about getting back to California, daydreaming about what Taylor would say when he saw her again. 

Her last full day at home, her sister Nicole grasped her arm as she walked down the hall to her bedroom, nearly making her fall into the wall. 

“What the hell…” 

“Come here,” Nicole said firmly, yanking her older sister into her room and shutting the door quickly. 

“Again I ask, what the hell, Nicole?” 

“So who is it?” 

“Who is what?” 

“Who is the boy you’re daydreaming about. I see it in your face.” 

“Shut up, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I do know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen it hundreds of times before, Chelle, and you know it.”

“Hundreds, Nicole? Really? _Hundreds_?” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“I don’t actually, I’ve been waiting for you to explain what you mean since you pulled me into your bedroom,” Michelle spat out, irritated. 

“Every time you fall for a boy, you get this dreamy look on your face that is markedly different than your usual, every day, daydream look. I’ve seen it. It happened with Joshua, and it’s happening now.” 

Michelle cringed at the mention of his name. She would rather not bring him into this, but Nicole was on a roll and wasn’t about to stop now. 

“I just...I don’t want you to build this up to be a big deal and then get your heart broken like last time. You should know better. You remember don’t you?” 

Michelle’s eyes narrowed at her little sister, her breath quickened instantly and her cheeks grew warm. 

“Are you kidding me, Nicole? Do I remember? This is _my_ life you’re talking about, not yours. Of course I remember. It happened to me...I don’t...I still don’t understand why we are even having this conversation.” She tried to turn around and open the door, but Nicole grabbed her by the shoulders just in time. Since when did her sister have such fast reflexes? 

“We’re having this conversation because you’re going to go back to California and you’re going to do the same thing that you did here in Arizona two years ago. I know you, and I don’t want you to get hurt!” 

“And I don’t really want to take advice from my younger sister, okay? I’m gonna go pack.” 

Finally Nicole let her go, and she stormed down the hallway to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. She couldn’t believe that Nicole had the nerve to force her into that conversation. She didn’t want to think about Joshua now or ever. She didn’t want to think about how it all ended, or how hurt she had been. How she seemed to dissolve into droplets of water, the blue inside of her gushing out until there was nothing left but a few broken promises. 

This was different. Taylor was _different_.

***

“Hey darlin’,” Michelle heard a voice behind her as she looked down the line of cars outside of LAX. She turned around, and saw Taylor leaning out the window of his car, the sun bouncing off of his aviators. He got out and threw his cigarette to the ground, crushing it underneath his boot as he walked towards her. 

“Hey!” Michelle allowed herself to be enveloped in his hug, excited to be back in his presence. He picked up her suitcase and she slid her guitar case into the backseat, before climbing into the passenger side. 

“So what did I miss?” She asked once they were on the road back to her apartment. 

“Just the same shit that we always seem to be doing these days. Writing songs that no one likes and fighting with our producers,” Taylor glanced over at her and smirked. He looked so natural driving down the highway, the wind whipping his hair back dramatically. Michelle dove into her backpack and got her camera, the only thing other than her guitar that she always kept within an arm’s reach, and took a few shots of the boy driving next to her. He never minded her snapping pictures whenever the light danced around his golden hair, or when the angle of the sun tugged at her heart. The sunlight in California was different. 

“That...doesn’t sound like fun,” she said, looking over her camera, finally registering his words. 

“It isn’t. It definitely isn’t. But you’re back, so that makes things better. We missed you.” 

“I missed you guys too.” 

She wanted him to say that he, specifically, had missed her. But she let it go. 

“Want to drop your stuff at your apartment and then come over and jam?” 

“Yeah, totally.” 

It was late July, and Michelle was already sweating through her white t-shirt. The breeze coming in the passenger side window was nice, though. She closed her eyes, smiling in the warm wind. When she opened them again, she looked over sheepishly and saw Taylor sneaking glances at her, grinning. He turned the radio up and sped down the road.

Michelle knew that she needed to take advantage of the downtime she had, because her album was going to be released next month. In only a few short weeks she would be in full promo mode, performing her songs and doing interviews and eventually going on tour. She was so fiercely proud of _The Spirit Room_. Taylor had been right, the whole album sounded like how she looked. But even more than that...it sounded like how she felt. She had had the time of her life recording it, laying her entire life out on the tracks of the record for the world to see. She was inviting everyone into her innermost thoughts, but it didn’t feel intrusive. Instead, it felt like she was just expanding her family of friends. Writing and recording the album had been a kind of healing experience as well. Every song she wrote was deeply personal. She couldn’t imagine writing a lyric that she hadn’t, at some point in her life, felt at the core of her being. She knew that Taylor and his brothers often wrote about experiences they had never had, putting themselves in someone else’s shoes for four minutes at a time. She never really understood that process. Every single word she sang came from a real place. Every song brought forth a certain memory, a feeling, a face. There were songs that made her think of sitting underneath oak trees, and there were songs that made her remember walking to the gas station on a summer night. There were songs that made her heart flutter, even now. 

“Hey, welcome back, stranger!” Isaac shouted from the living room when he saw Michelle and Taylor walk through the front door. 

“Hey!” Michelle scurried over to the couch to give him a hug. Over the few weeks that Michelle had been hanging around the house, she and Isaac had become closer. He was so kind to her when she felt like the stupid newbie on tour, and it was nice to be able to spend time with him again. They would sit for hours at a time with their guitars, without even realizing that Taylor and Zac had left the room. 

“Where’s Zac?” Taylor asked, calling out from the kitchen. He returned with a couple beers, casually handing one to Michelle. She often wondered how they always had a fully stocked fridge, seeing as Ike was still just shy of his twenty first birthday.

“Probably in his room talking to Kate,” Isaac explained, nodding towards the bedrooms. 

Michelle snuck a look at Taylor, who was seemingly unaffected. Ike, the openhearted, talkative version of his younger brother, hadn’t hesitated in telling Michelle about Zac’s girlfriend, who he had been on a few dates with in the past. It was on a late night with their guitars, out on their screened in porch, mosquitoes buzzing around the lights. 

“It is weird though, right? You have to admit that’s weird,” she had said that night, taking a sip from her soda. 

“Oh, it’s definitely weird. But, whatever. We weren’t meant to be, and the three of us can read each other a little too well...I could tell from day one that Zac had a thing for her.” 

“Really?” Michelle leaned in, fascinated by the family dynamics that shaped these brothers’ lives. 

“Totally. They came backstage during our tour one day...I’m trying to remember if it was before or after you were with us...It must have been after, right? Because you were pretty early on. Yeah. It was like...right after though. Must have been. Anyway, she came backstage with her best friend and Zac is usually dead to the world after shows but he was super sweet and talkative to this girl. She’s around Taylor’s age though so...I don’t know maybe that’s why they didn’t get together right away. Mind you, she and I only went on like...a couple dates. Nothing too exciting.” 

Michelle nodded, realizing she hadn’t said anything in a few minutes. That was one of the main reasons she loved hanging out with Isaac. He would just take a train of thought and run with it. The pressure to make conversation was always off when he was around. She loved that about him, mainly because she always seemed to have trouble in that department. She preferred writing to speaking. 

“So anyway, they started talking on the phone quite a bit after we fizzled out, and I didn’t even question it. It seemed like the natural progression of things,” he explained. 

“Well I’m glad it didn’t upset you or anything. I’m trying to imagine if Nicole decided to date any of my exes...but...I don’t know, I’ve never really casually dated anyone before, so I guess it’s really not the same.” She gulped, hoping that Ike wouldn’t ask her to expound on that thought. 

“Yeah, that’s not really Zac’s game either. He’s a relationship guy.” 

She noticed that he didn’t say anything about Taylor. 

Zac emerged from his bedroom and stretched his arms high above his head, yawning out the words, “Oh, hey Chelle.” She smirked at his casualness. That boy had the ability to look completely at home wherever he was, whoever he was with. 

“How’s Kate?” Taylor asked, sinking down to the couch and pulling Michelle down next to him from her perch on the arm. He flung his arm around her. 

“She’s good.” 

“I don’t understand how you guys talk on the phone for hours at a time. I literally couldn’t get her to say more than a few sentences when we hung out,” Isaac said. 

Michelle felt Taylor snort with laughter at his older brother. 

“So many comebacks...cannot choose,” Zac said, suppressing his own laughter. 

“Yeah, I walked right into that one.” 

“She says hi, by the way,” Zac said, giving Taylor a knowing look. As much as Michelle loved hanging out with the brothers, she did always feel a little left out. They communicated more with their gestures and their glances than they ever did with their words. It was sometimes eerie to watch. 

Taylor nodded, and promptly changed the subject. 

***

“You gettin’ sleepy?” Taylor asked Michelle quite a few hours later. Michelle nodded, suppressing a well timed yawn. 

“Yeah, travelling always does it to me,” she replied.

“You’re about to go on tour, you better work on that.” 

Michelle looked up at Taylor, and offered her hand so he could help her up. She hated this time of night. 

No matter how late she stayed playing music or talking or drinking totally illegal beer with the boys, at some point in the night (or early morning), Taylor would drive her home. They would make their way to her apartment, the radio softly playing in the background, the tension between them thick. She wondered if he wanted to ask her to stay. She wondered if he knew how much she wanted him to. 

“You don’t have to walk me to the door, Tay.” 

“When have I ever not walked you to your door?” 

“That’s fair.” 

When they reached the stoop, every single time, there was a moment of hesitation, followed immediately by Taylor pushing Michelle up against the wall next to the front door of the apartment building. They never kissed in front of his brothers, or out in public, but with her back smashed against the brick and the night sky protecting them from watchful eyes, they never held back.


	4. Empty Handed

_I'm packing my bags 'cause I don't want to be_  
_The only one who's drowning in their misery_  
_And I'll take that chance 'cause I just want to breathe_  
_And I won't look back and wonder how it's supposed to be_

 

“Hey darlin’.” 

“Hey! Sorry if I woke you. I forgot until the phone was already ringing about the time difference and...” 

“You didn’t. You know me. It takes me a while to settle down.” 

“Yeah. I just um...I wanted to tell you about the show tonight.” 

“I was hoping you would. I’ve been thinking about you for the past few hours.” 

“It was amazing. I felt like...I don’t know, it was so different than my gigs back home or even in LA.” 

“Well you didn’t have a major album you were promoting. Now you do.” 

“Yeah it’s just...it’s crazy. People already know my songs. The audience was singing along to them and it was so surreal.”

“That’s a pretty awesome feeling.” 

“It was just...magical, I guess is the word I would use to describe it. I can’t believe I get to do it again in two days.” 

“New York, too. You’re in the city tomorrow, right?” 

“I am. I can’t...I’ve never even been to New York City and I’m gonna be playing my music there in two days.” 

“You’ll be great.” 

“I’m nervous.” 

“You’ll be great. I wish I could be there.” 

“Me too.” 

“Call me after. You can tell me all about it.” 

“Are you tired?” 

“I am. A little. Talk to me until I fall asleep.” 

“Okay…” 

***

The night before Michelle left on a plane to fly all the way to the other side of the country, Taylor spent the night at her apartment. 

He had driven her home, as always, but this time the kiss on the porch continued, clumsily, up the stairs and through her door. They both knew that they were on borrowed time. She was going to be gone for months, and after she returned who knew how long they had before Taylor went on tour with his brothers. They were starving for each other, the tension that had been building for weeks finally cracking open, their moans filling the air between them. There are only so many hungry glances over guitars that two people can give each other before there has to be some sort of release. 

Taylor, a new wave of energy emerging from the boy who had been yawning in the car, thrust into Michelle, making her see through walls and yelp with a pleasure she didn’t know existed. His hips rolled into hers forcefully, both of them gasping, neither of them quite able to catch their breath. He threw her leg over his shoulder and she tangled her hands in his hair. She looked into his blue eyes. Her favorite color. It pushed her over the edge. 

After a few tender kisses, Taylor rolled over and curled his body around hers, falling asleep with his lips on her shoulder. She looked at the sleeping boy next to her, and her entire body felt full. 

There was a prism that hung in her window, and it caught the moonlight, casting a spatter of rainbows on Taylor’s dreaming body. She had carried that crystal star with her from her childhood bedroom. She would twirl it around in her fingers, watching the sunlight leak all over her room, creating the most magical light show. It made her think of home. Taylor did too, in a way. She unwrapped herself from his arms and picked up her camera from her desk. The scene was too beautiful to let it go uncaptured. She took a few snapshots, wincing every time the shutter opened, hoping he wouldn’t wake up. He didn’t. 

The next morning, Taylor drove her to the airport. They were silent in the car, and Joni Mitchell was playing on the radio. Michelle, who had taken the prism off of the string in the window at the last minute, fiddled nervously with the glass star in her pocket. 

“I love that line,” Taylor muttered quietly, nodding towards the radio. 

“Which one?” Michelle asked, shaking herself out of the start of a daydream. She could slip away so easily. 

“‘You said love is touching souls well surely you touched mine, ‘cause part of you pours out of me in these lines from time to time.’”

She would spend the entire plane ride trying to figure out why he had brought that up to her. 

He kissed her cheek when he dropped her off, the wind whipping their hair as they stood outside the gate. 

“Maybe this wind came from the ocean,” he said. He grinned and drove away. 

Michelle’s face contorted with confusion. He was such an odd one, sometimes. Saying the strangest, yet most poetic things. 

***

Taylor hung up the phone with Michelle, after telling her goodnight and that he was falling asleep (“see you in my dreams, darlin’.”), but he knew he was still far from slumber. He hadn’t been sleeping particularly well the past few nights. 

Zac had left for Georgia that morning to visit Kate, and Taylor had declined the offer to come along. He knew that if he were to go, he would see Natalie, and he didn’t know if he wanted to do that just yet. He hesitated to call what had happened a break up, when they were hundreds of miles away from each other. The entire continent stretched in between them. But it had only been a few weeks since he and Nat had had the _talk_. The dreaded talk that he had been putting off for what he knew was far too long. He knew he wouldn’t have even called her in the first place if it hadn’t been for Ike constantly nagging him. 

“You really wanna break her heart, Tay? Come on, she’s a sweet girl.” 

Taylor knew she was a sweet girl. That was one of the main reasons he liked her so much. She was charming and bubbly, an extrovert with a loud laugh. He loved spending time with her. She made him feel light. 

But something was just always off when they were together, and he could never quite put his finger on the reason. Zac was so enamored with Kate. They talked for hours, and told each other every single detail of their days. When he talked about her, his face lit up. Taylor didn’t even know what that felt like. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know, not yet anyway. He was only nineteen, after all. 

Ike warned him against breaking her heart, but he knew that if they kept on with this long distance thing, that was exactly what he was going to end up doing. He figured this would be easier. 

So he called her one afternoon and told her he wanted to see other people. He fed her some line about being young and exploring their options, and he knew that it was all bullshit while he was saying it, but he said it anyway. She took it surprisingly well. Or so he thought, until Zac told him that Kate was pulling full time damage control duty for her best friend. He felt like a complete and utter asshole, but it was done. He couldn’t deny that he wanted the freedom. 

Michelle, on the other hand, lit a fire in him. She was so talented, the lyrics that spilled out of her buzzed around in his brain constantly, her voice captured him in a way that nothing else ever had before. When they played music together it felt more intimate than any encounter he had ever had with a girl, and...he had had plenty of those. This was different. Michelle was different.

 _So why can’t I sleep_ , he thought to himself. 

***

Michelle took one final bow before running backstage to the green room, high on the stuffy air of the theatre. The crowd had been completely electric, the energy flying between her and the audience all night long. It had been a great show. She splashed cold water from the bathroom sink on her face, smudging her thick eyeliner in the process, but she didn’t care. She needed the cool water to calm her down. Her heart was racing for a few different reasons. 

_Goodbye to You_ was always an emotional song for Michelle to sing, no matter where she was or who she was with. But tonight, she looked out in the crowd and thought she saw a familiar pair of green eyes. _Joshua_ , her brain screamed, causing her to lose the air in her lungs and not start the second verse. The band behind her played the chord progression a couple times, vamping supportively while she caught her breath. When she looked again, it was just an innocent audience member. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that she had seen a ghost. 

Joshua hid in between the lines of _The Spirit Room_. He wasn’t in every rhyme, or even every song, but he was there nonetheless. Sometimes she would sit down to write a song and, even if it wasn’t specifically about him, he would somehow end up in some lyric or another. 

Michelle met Joshua when she was just fourteen years old. He was a musician as well, and a good one. She always felt like she was trying to catch up to him. They went to different schools, but she would spend the next four years of her life loving him in a way that only a teenage girl can. Their story was filled with moments - riding on his shoulders, cuddling innocently on the couch, even sneaking a kiss behind the coffee shop. But, those were few and far between the stupid high school fights and the not speaking to each other for weeks at a time. Weeks that felt like someone was ripping the nails right off of her empty fingers. Michelle would write pages and pages of flowery sentences begging Joshua to either let her go or love her hard. On reading her letters, he would call her house phone, asking sweetly to speak to her, and say that her words had made him cry big, fat tears (which she always knew was a lie). He would convince her that he hadn’t meant to hurt her, and that he was still her best friend. That he loved her, in the special way that they loved each other. They could never be together, always for some reason or another. He needed to focus on school, he was leaving for the summer, he was dating another girl. She, the daydreamer, waited for four years...and probably could have kept waiting if he hadn’t told her to stop. 

Her first love was complete adoration in every sense of the word, and maybe that’s why she thought love was something she would lay down her life for. Something kind of sick and painful and hopeless. Something that feels like dragging yourself across a gravel driveway, and yet something that she couldn’t imagine living without. 

She still sometimes dreamt about him, and she blamed her own songs that were now playing on the radio for that. Writing them had been therapeutic. It felt like she was detoxing him out of her system, but now she was performing these very same songs every night. She also had to admit, but only to herself and definitely never to her sister, that the way Taylor carried himself reminded her of her first love. So sure of himself. There was that whole musician thing, too. 

But no...this was different. It had to be. She had grown and learned and wouldn’t allow herself to feel the kind of pain she felt when Joshua told her that he was leaving Sedona, and to forget about him, his girlfriend standing against the back wall of the bar Michelle was playing at that night. She wrote _Goodbye to You_ that very same night. She knew it was petty, but she hoped he heard it on the radio some day. Just once. 

***

“Hey, you.” 

“Hey darlin’, what’s up?” 

“Oh, just killing time in Boston.”

“Sick of the road yet?” 

“Hardly. I could do this forever.” 

“That’s how I feel, too. I hate not being on tour.” 

“Still no luck moving forward on the new record?” 

“None at all.” 

“That sucks.” 

“Tell me about it.” 

“I’ll be back in LA soon.” 

“Oh yeah? So what does that mean for me?”

“That you’re gonna have to play some music with me.” 

“Is that an innuendo?” 

“Do you want it to be?”

“Kinda, yeah.” 

“Well then it is…” 

“Great. Can’t wait.” 

***

“Hey guys can we break for a few minutes?” Taylor asked from behind his keyboard. He felt a little woozy. 

“Yeah, let’s take five...or ten...whatever. I could use a break too,” Ike agreed, putting down his guitar and scurrying to the kitchen for a glass of water. 

“You okay, Tay?” Zac asked, still holding his drumsticks. He peered at his brother incredulously. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. Headache.” 

“Did you go out last night?” 

“Yeah, but that’s...that’s not why I feel bad. I’m allowed to have a headache.” 

“You’re also allowed to not snap at me for asking an innocent question. I was just wondering,” Zac replied calmly. He was used to his brothers defensive responses. 

“Sorry.” 

“Apology accepted,” Zac heaved himself up from his stool and walked around to the piano, sitting next to Taylor. “Where did you go?” 

“I don’t know, some club. With Alex.” 

“Mmmm.” 

“Don’t mmmm at me, I can hear your judgement from a mile away.” 

“Fine, I will never make noises while you’re talking ever again.” 

“Great, perfect.” 

Ike came back, holding an extra glass of water. He could always tell when Taylor was hungover. Taylor looked up at him, annoyed. With Zac sitting right up against him on the piano bench and Isaac knowingly looking at him from over the water glasses, he felt a bit smothered. 

“You guys, stop.” 

“We literally aren’t doing anything, Tay.” 

“Just stop, okay. God. Can we be done for the day? I don’t want to do this anymore.” 

Zac and Isaac looked at each other, their eyes wide. They weren’t quite sure what they had done to cause this tiny explosion. 

“Um...yeah I guess…” Ike looked at Taylor, bewildered. 

“Great,” Taylor grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the house. 

“What’s up his butt?” Zac asked, causing Ike to snort with laughter. He was always great at breaking the tension, whether he meant to or not. 

“Who knows.”


	5. Tuesday Morning

_I remember stormy weather_   
_The way the sky looks when it’s cold_   
_And you were with me content with walking_   
_So unaware of the world_

 

Michelle found it difficult to write on the road. Every day was so scheduled. She had appearances and radio spots and interviews, followed by shows at night, followed by taking pictures with fans and signing CDs and the occasional guitar. By the time she got on the bus or back to her hotel room, even if she had something to write about, she was too exhausted to even pull out her journal. 

She met a handful of new people every day, which made her daydreaming tendencies go wild. She never knew if that was a good or a bad thing. 

Most of the time, her daydreams wandered back to a certain blue eyed boy. They didn’t talk on the phone every night, and sometimes it would be a week before she heard from him (which were her least favorite kinds of weeks). She wondered what he was doing, how his brothers were, what the songs they were writing sounded like. 

She wasn’t delusional. She knew that he probably wouldn’t wait for her. But that didn’t stop her from thinking about him. 

***

“Hello?” 

“Um, hi...is Natalie there?” Taylor asked timidly. He knew he was pushing his luck with this phone call. But he had dreamt about the smiling girl from Georgia all night and he wanted to talk to her. He wanted to make sure that she was okay. 

“May I ask who’s calling?” 

“This is um...this is Taylor? Hanson?” 

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

“I don’t think this is a great idea, Taylor,” Nat’s mom said quietly, 

“Will you just...can you just ask her if she wants to talk to me? Please?” 

Mrs. Bryant heaved a sigh, before finally saying, “Okay, fine.” 

Taylor paced around his tiny bedroom, his cheeks growing hot from holding the cellphone close to his face. He could imagine Natalie in her room, dutifully working on homework, looking up expectantly when her mother entered the room. There was some noise on the other end, a handing off, and finally…

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Nat. It’s me...it’s um...it’s Taylor.”

“Hey.” 

Taylor rolled his eyes at her false cheerfulness. He could practically see her looking at herself in the mirror, forcing herself to smile. She wouldn’t let him hear her crack. 

“Just...wanted to see how you were doing…” 

“I’m fine, thanks. How are you?” 

“I’m okay. We aren’t making like...any progress on the album which is frustrating.” 

“Yeah, sounds it.” 

Taylor smirked a little at her attempt at sarcasm. She was so naturally pure and positive, it didn’t exactly become her. They stayed on the phone, each of them wondering who was going to speak next. 

“So...why did you call me?” 

“I just...we hadn’t talked in a while and I wanted to see what was going on, I guess.” 

“What’s going on?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Taylor, you broke up with me...do you not remember that?” 

“I didn’t...it wasn’t a break up, Natalie...I just...I just wanted…”

“Space. From me. I get it, okay, it’s fine. I just...I don’t really understand what the point of this conversation is.” 

“Tell me about your day.” 

“ _My day_??” 

“Yes, YES, your day.”

Natalie was stunned into silence. Taylor wondered if she was going to hang up on him, and he steeled himself for the worst. 

“It was okay. School was pretty boring, but I’m excited to graduate. It’ll be here before I know it, so I’m trying to make the most of the last semester. And...then I had cheer practice after school and now I’m doing homework.” 

“Cool,” he said, a grin growing on his face. 

“Yeah. I’ll probably go over to Kate’s later after dinner. Mostly to tell her about this phone call.” 

Taylor laughed openly at that. She was funny, he had to give her that much. He missed her. He felt lighter just by talking to her on the phone. She was so different from his life in LA. So different from the hangovers and the frustration.

“I figured you would. Then she’ll tell Zac because they tell each other everything, and then it will all come back around to me again.” 

“Well, at least it makes communication a little easier. Except for poor Ike,” she said, giggling. 

“He’s used to it, it’s fine.” 

The silence returned, but this time they were both smiling widely into their phones. 

“Well um...I’ll let you get back to your homework, Nat. Can I...can I call you again soon?” 

“I’d like that.” 

***

Michelle got out of the cab as soon as it stopped outside of her apartment building. She couldn’t wait to fall into her bed and sleep for an entire day. She couldn’t imagine doing anything with the next few hours, especially because the sky outside threatened rain. It was chilly in LA that day. It was mid-December and although it never got too cold, she was shivering underneath her light sweater. She wrestled her leather jacket out of her backpack and and threw it on before getting her suitcase out of the trunk. 

When she turned around to climb the porch steps up to her building, she saw Taylor sitting there, waiting for her. 

“Surprise,” he said, quietly. She smiled, feeling like something inside of her was melting. 

She was so tired and so relieved to see him that she fell into the hug, breathing in him and the moment, filling her lungs with it. She was so tired. Everything seemed a bit fuzzy. 

“I’ll help you with your bags,” he said as he scooped up her guitar case and headed up to her apartment. She wondered if he wanted to take a nap with her. She smiled at the thought. 

She sat down on the bed and leaned back, flopping down onto her pillows. “I forgot how good this bed felt,” she commented, closing her eyes. Taylor crawled up next to her, playing with the ends of her hair. 

“Gonna unpack?” 

“Absolutely not.” 

“Gonna sleep?” 

“Yes.” 

“Okay. I’ll wake you up in a couple hours,” he whispered, as he curled his body around hers. His arms snaked around her frame, and he nuzzled his face in her hair, his breath warm on her neck. The sky was so dark outside that she didn’t even ask him to draw the blinds before she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep. 

Later that afternoon, she woke up, Taylor sitting by her window reading. 

“God, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay. You can keep sleeping if you want. Honestly I don’t mind.” 

“No, no I’m up now. I had planned on sleeping all day but I don’t know if that’s a great idea. I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I do that.” 

“Who says we should sleep tonight?” Taylor said, with a mischievous grin. She understood his meaning. He helped her up off the bed and looked out the window. “I love when the weather is like this. Do you want to take a walk?” 

“Right now? It’s freezing.” 

“It’s not that cold. Come on, let’s go to the beach. No one will be there.” 

He was right. By the time they arrived at the ocean, the sky was sprinkling chilly raindrops, and Michelle hugged her leather jacket close to her body. Taylor put his arm around her purposefully, promising that she would get used to the chill soon enough. That the grey sky was beautiful. That the ocean looked angry. 

“I’m kind of scared of water.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah, I’m serious. I’ve lived here for more than a year and I’ve never been swimming in the ocean. I don’t like it. Especially at night.” 

They kept walking, and Michelle slipped her cold hand into Taylor’s. They didn’t talk much when they were together. She guessed that it was because they were both always in their heads, and having complete, hypothetical conversations with themselves didn’t leave much room for speaking to the people around them. That was one of the reasons Michelle loved playing music and songwriting with him. She felt like they always aired out all of their feelings that way. There was no need to talk about it outside of that context. They were content with just walking together, or sitting together, in silence. 

That night, Taylor went home, even though there had been more than one phone call conversation detailing what he would do to Michelle once she was back in LA. But they were both tired from being out in the cold wind, and Michelle decided not to put up a fight. After all, she was the one that took a three hour nap earlier that day. When he left, she unpacked her guitar from its case, and set it up against the wall. She liked to be able to see it, even when she wasn’t planning on playing. It had now been with her all over the country (or at least the parts she had visited on her first leg of tour). Sometimes she would look down at it, the beautiful blue calming the nervous clenching that her stomach experienced right before she went on stage, and she would see the guitar’s brand name flash up at her. 

It was a Taylor Guitar. 

Michelle believed in soulmates. She had since she was a little girl.


	6. One of These Days

_Did I make you nervous?_   
_Did I ask for too much_   
_Was I not deserving one second of your touch?_   
_One of these days, I won’t be afraid..._

“So wait...correct me if I’m wrong…” Zac said as he came into Taylor’s bedroom unannounced and flopped down on his bed next to him, “but you’re planning to fly Natalie out here?” 

Taylor had been working on lyrics on a yellow legal pad, and he hugged it to his chest when his brother walked in. He knew that he would have to eventually share his work (it was a promise they made to each other when they were very young, they didn’t keep any song ideas secret) but for now it felt a little too raw to expose. 

“Yeah, I am.” 

“Interesting.” 

“What.” 

“Nothing, I just said that was interesting.” 

“You’re literally laying in my bed. This is my bed.”

“And?” 

“What do you want?” 

“Did you think I like...wouldn’t hear about this from Kate? She tells me everything and Natalie tells her everything.” 

“I knew you would hear about it, that’s why I didn’t tell you.” 

“Oh right, that makes sense.” 

“Why is everyone on the Natalie defense squad all of a sudden? Weren’t you the same person that got on my ass for breaking up with her in the first place?” 

Zac narrowed his gaze at his brother, as though he was trying to figure out a puzzle that wasn’t coming together. “You fascinate me.”

“What....what does that even mean, Zachary?” 

“You just said you broke up with this girl...you’re flying her out to LA...and...you’re also...dating Michelle.” Zac knew that slowing his speech down as though he was talking to a toddler annoyed Taylor more than anything, but he couldn’t help but push his buttons. 

“I’m not dating Michelle. We’re not dating, that’s not what this is…”

“Wait,” Taylor rolled his eyes as soon as he heard his older brother’s voice. _Right on time_ , he thought. Now both of his brothers were butting into his business. “You might want to tell her that,” Ike said from the doorway. 

“She knows that...and...where did you even come from?” Taylor said, his voice starting to raise higher in pitch. He hated that his voice did that when he fought with Ike, but it wasn’t something he could necessarily control. 

“Mmm...pretty sure she doesn’t know that.” 

“How would you know what she knows?” Taylor said, now standing, facing Isaac head on. 

“Because she talks to me? We talk? She’s my friend?” 

“And she said that we’re dating?” 

“No but I mean come on, Tay. She’s in love with you.” 

Isaac’s words hung in the air. Taylor felt his brain buzzing in his skull. He had just bought Natalie a plane ticket. He looked over at Zac, who was nodding almost imperceptibly. 

“So this is like...common knowledge?” He asked, nearly screaming. 

“Are you kidding?” Ike said, before Taylor pushed him out of the doorway and, once again, stormed outside. 

“We’re never gonna finish this fucking album, dude,” Zac said, laying back down on Taylor’s bed and putting his hands behind his head. 

***

“Hey.”

“Hey, darlin’. What’s up?” 

“Can I um...can I see you again before I leave? I leave tomorrow and we only got to spend that one day together.” 

“Yeah, what did you have in mind?” 

“I don’t...I don’t know. You could just come over or something.” 

“Okay. I’m a little busy right now, but I could come later tonight.”

“Okay.” 

“Sound good?” 

“Yeah...um...yeah.” 

“What is it?” 

“Nothing.” 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you later tonight.” 

“Okay. See you then. I’ll call you when I’m outside.” 

***

Taylor arrived at Michelle’s apartment around midnight. He looked tired. He had trouble focusing on much of anything, but she didn’t mind. She was leaving in the morning and wanted to spend at least a little more time with him. 

“You seem really jumpy,” Michelle observed, when Taylor flinched at her touch. 

“I’m fine...sorry...I just have a lot on my mind,” he said, rubbing his hands over his eyes. 

“Album stuff?” 

“Yeah...um...yeah.” 

Michelle gently pushed his shoulders and guided him down to the bed. She climbed on top of him slowly and straddled his hips. She knew that, under different circumstances (even though she wasn’t really sure what these current circumstances were), a move like this would light a fire in his eyes and cause him to leap into action. But tonight, he just looked nervous. Timid.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, losing momentum and sliding off of him to sit at the edge of the bed. Her cheeks grew hot with embarrassment. 

“Don’t be...don’t be sorry Michelle, I’m...I’m the one that’s sorry. I’m just...I’m just really tired, is all.” 

“Right, no...I uh...I get it. It’s okay. You can go home if you want. I shouldn’t have asked you to come.” 

In her mind’s eye, she saw Taylor convince her that he wanted to stay and spend time with her. That he would spend the night, holding her close to him, even if nothing sexual happened. That he would miss her so much when she flew away again in the morning. 

Instead, she saw him get up and walk out of her apartment. 

She looked at the door he had just closed with complete shock. Before she knew it, her bare feet were moving underneath her, and she was running down the stairs to catch up to him. It was now or never. Chances fade.

The sidewalk scratched the bottom of her toes as she ran down the block to Taylor’s car. He was just heaving himself into the driver's seat when she yelled his name, causing him to look up, his brow deeply furrowed in confusion. 

“Yeah?” He replied to her shout, wondering if he had forgotten something upstairs in her apartment. 

“I think that...um...I think that not saying how you feel is overrated. And usually...I can do that...you know...share my feelings...in songs. Everything is laid out so plainly in lyrics. So a lot of the times, things go unsaid otherwise. I let my songs do the talking for me and sometimes that’s just...not enough.” 

Taylor shifted his weight between feet nervously. She could tell he was anxious, and her speech wasn’t helping the matter. 

“And maybe, I don’t know, if I wasn’t about to go off on the next leg of my tour things would be different and I wouldn’t feel such a...um...like such pressure to tell you how I feel, but I do so...here we are. I...really like you, Taylor. And I don’t know what you want to do with that information but I need you to know. I’m sure you already did know, but...I thought maybe you should hear it from me, instead of your brothers. Because they’re...really observant. Shockingly so, sometimes. Anyway I guess I should probably get back upstairs because I haven’t even started getting my stuff together and --” 

“Michelle.” 

“I’ve basically already just accepted the fact that I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight --” 

“Michelle.” 

“What?!” 

Taylor walked up to the girl whose songs he had heard on the internet one day, the melodies grasping his heart and not letting go until he met her, and cradled her face in his hands. 

He kissed her. 

When he pulled away she looked up into his eyes and said plainly, “You confuse me.” 

He looked back at her, still grasping her arms from the kiss, and replied, “And you, my dear, drive me crazy.” 

He got into his car and drove away, leaving Michelle standing in the middle of the street, barefoot. 

Another car drove by, bathing her in its headlights, and she looked around embarrassed, fully realizing where she was. She walked quickly back to her apartment building and bounded up the stairs, a fresh new wave of energy coursing through her body. There’s something about telling someone exactly how you feel that lights a fire in your stomach, even if it isn’t a good one. She started gathering her things (she hadn’t completely unpacked, she was just kind of living out of her suitcase for the week), flailing her limbs around with each reach for clothes and each toss into the her suitcase. She didn’t want to let her mind rest yet. There was too much to think about. 

She didn’t want to cry. This was not something to cry about, and yet she felt tears behind her eyes. She shoved her journal into her backpack, wondering why she kept having to fall for the ones who weren’t afraid of anything. Who carried themselves like they knew all her secrets, who let her heart crack open and spill out onto the pavement and didn't help her clean it up. “You drive me crazy,” he had said. She picked up her jacket too quickly to hang it on the back of a chair, and the star shaped prism fell out of her pocket, striking the hardwood floor and shattering. 

The tears came. 

_It’s just glass_ , the rational side of her brain said to her over and over again. _Get a broom and clean it up_. But she stayed there, crumpled to her knees, crying. For some reason, the shards of glass mortified her. It felt like her insides were strewn across the wooden floorboards, and no matter what, things were going to keep breaking.


	7. Love Me Like That

_Well I was your gypsy_   
_Throwing diamonds at your feet_   
_Drifted around you like a satellite_   
_I gave you everything you need_

“That sounded great, Chelle. We probably have it but want to try one more time just to be on the safe side?” Ike said from behind the vocal booth glass. 

“Sure, I’ll go again,” Michelle replied, happy to do it. She would stay in there all day if she could. Ike’s already recorded vocals streamed through her headphones as she closed her eyes and leaned into the melody. 

_“It’s sounding like an old cliche, and I can’t stop feelin’. I love her in a thousand ways, and I can’t stop feelin’...”_

About a week ago, Isaac had called her on the road and asked when she had a break in her touring schedule. 

“Um...hold on let me look at the calendar,” she said as she rifled through her backpack, looking for the crumpled piece of paper that she had tried her best to memorize. “I should have some time off next week, why?” 

“Want to fly back to LA for a couple days? There’s a track I really want your voice on. I’ve been messing around with it and I just keep hearing a girl on it and...well you’re my first choice for that, obviously. If you can’t do it it’s okay, I’m sure we can find someone else but I just hear it. I hear your voice when I play the song.” He probably would have kept talking if she hadn’t interrupted him to agree excitedly. 

“Great!” He responded. “Well I’ll reserve the studio and then we can get in there next week. I’m sure the guys will be excited to see you, too. Thanks, Chelle!” 

Michelle tried not to buzz out of her skin with excitement, but it was tough. She hadn’t been in the studio for months and she missed it so much. There were also those boys that she was always happy to see...especially Taylor. 

When she had arrived at the studio, she was greeted by Ike’s smiling face and excited grin. She looked around quickly, scanning the room while he wrapped her in a hug, but didn’t see either of the other brothers. Maybe they’ll come later, she thought to herself as she stood behind Ike at the piano and learned the song. 

She could definitely tell that Ike had written this one. The interval in the chorus even sounded familiar to her, and it took her a few minutes to realize it was similar to a song that Isaac also sang lead on from their Christmas album. The mere thought made her blush slightly. At the end of the day, she had been a huge fan before she even met them. She remembered clearly sheepishly taking posters down from her wall on the day she got the final call from the band, asking her to open for them two years ago. 

“So what do you think?” Isaac asked expectantly when he finished playing her the last take, her harmonies shining through and adding a special sparkle to the song. 

“I like it a lot. I’m surprised you ask me to collaborate though, honestly.” 

“Why? Collaboration is the coolest thing about music.” 

“Oh, I totally agree. I don’t know I just thought...maybe…”

“What, Taylor wouldn’t want me to ask you?” 

“Well...yeah.” 

Isaac heaved a sigh and turned around on the piano bench, facing Michelle straight on. “Taylor is an enigma. I’ve, quite literally, known him for his entire life, and I still often don’t understand him. Especially right now. He’s going through some stuff…” 

“I wish he would just...I don’t know. I’m willing to listen to him and help him if he would open up to me. And I’m sure you would too. And Zac. He has plenty of people he could talk to.” 

“Oh trust me, I know. I don’t even know why he’s so stressed out. I guess it’s just the album stuff.” Michelle got the feeling that Isaac was conveniently leaving out some information. 

“Where is he, anyway?” 

“He and Zac had some errands to run. They’ll be here later.” 

Michelle couldn’t help but wonder if that was the whole truth.

“Hey Ike?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Does Taylor tell you like...everything?” 

“No, he doesn’t. He did tell me about your beautifully crafted profession of love, though.” 

“Oh God, shut up.” 

“It sounded lovely, I wish I could have been there for it.” 

“I was literally just rambling.” 

“A natural born lyricist.” 

“Shut UP, Ike!” Michelle smiled, despite herself.

“Just...just be careful, Chelle. I know it’s easy to fall for him. I’ve seen...well I’ve seen thousands of girls do it over and over again. I really care about you. I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

Michelle was silent. She sat down next to Isaac on the piano bench and half heartedly played a few chords. She wanted to maybe do a few more takes, just so she could spend as much time in the studio as possible, but now that this conversation had started, she knew that they had to see it through. She also knew that if she waited long enough, Isaac would continue talking. He didn’t disappoint.

“I think you’re really good for Tay. He likes you a lot, I know that for a fact. I think that if he stopped being such a weirdo about everything, you all could make it work and it would be awesome. I think that if it’s what you really want, then yeah, fight for it. But...just know that it’s going to be hard work. He’s...the most confusing person I know and I’m with him all the time.” 

“I know. I know….I….don’t….”

“I do know that you don’t deserve to be treated like shit, though. And if even for a second with Tay you feel underappreciated or misunderstood you really need to think about if it’s worth it. Because I don’t know...he’s just...he’s a lot to deal with.” 

Michelle wanted to be grateful for the lecture Isaac was giving her, but it left a bitter taste in her mouth. She didn’t like being told what to do. Not by her younger sister or Taylor’s older brother. They all thought they knew what was best for her, and it drove her crazy. 

“Thanks for your concern,” Michelle said sarcastically. Her biting tone visibly surprised Ike, and he turned surprisingly to look at her. “I can figure out my own love life, but I’m so glad to now have your opinion on the matter.” 

“I mean, I know that. I’m his brother. I don’t feel like any of that was out of bounds to say.”

“Maybe if I had asked for it…” 

“Hey.” 

“I just think it’s funny that the entire world thinks they know what is best for me. Every single person I know gives me all this fucking advice about not getting hurt again, how I should know better, how I just constantly sabotage myself so that I can get songwriting material…” 

“I never said that, Michelle.” 

She knew he hadn’t. She knew she was getting carried away. It was something Joshua had said years ago, but was always lingering close to the forefront of her mind. It was on a cloudy March afternoon during her sophomore year of high school. She stopped by Josh’s house after school. The air felt charged. It was one of those days that you couldn’t decide if it was warm or cool, the only sure thing was the threat of rain. 

She knocked on the door, and a Josh answered, a girl clearly laughing in the background. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I um...I just wanted to see you, I guess.” 

“Well, you saw me.” 

More laughter from inside. 

“You don’t have to be mean.” 

“I’m not being mean, Chelley. Come on. You can’t be mad at me for being annoyed at you showing up completely unannounced. Seriously, why are you here.” 

She had come to confront him about the whole situation. About stringing her along and treating her badly and always promising her the sky but only in the future. Never now. Never now. 

“I wanted to talk.” 

“About what?” 

“About….us.” 

She could feel her face growing hot and tears welling up behind her eyes. God, she didn’t want to cry. She always cried when she got angry and she hated how weak it made her look and sound. She wanted to yell, but it always came out as sobs. 

“Us? What does that even mean?”

“I just want to know...if this is a waste of time. If I should just stop trying.” 

“Trying what?” 

“Trying to...wait for you.” 

“Chelle. I know that even if I told you to stop, you would still wait for me. You have to write about something, right?” 

His statement felt like her ribs cracking. She didn’t say a word in response, just turned on her heel and stormed away, promising herself that she would never write another song about Joshua ever again.

She, of course, broke that promise. 

That should have been the end of it. She should have been done with the hopeless chase and moved on. She wasn’t even in that deep by that point, and could have easily gotten over him quickly. She could have half heartedly dated another boy and kissed him without pretending it was Josh. She could have refused Josh’s advances during a stupid high school party that she shouldn’t have gone to. She could have lost her virginity to someone who was nice to her, even if it wasn’t someone she loved. But, of course, none of those things happened. She fell in love with Joshua all over again, and never stopped giving him second chances. 

“I’m sorry,” Michelle said meekly to Isaac, not wanting to meet his gaze. She desperately wanted to rewind the last few minutes and try again. She wouldn't even bring up Taylor this time around. 

“It’s okay. You’re exhausted from tour. I’m exhausted from trying to get these tracks recorded so that maybe...just maybe...we can get an album done.” 

“Is this ever going to end for you guys?” 

“I’m not quite sure, to be honest. I’m ready for it to be done, though.” 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. If anyone can it’s the three most stubborn people I’ve ever met.” 

Isaac laughed at that, causing Michelle to finally be able to breathe. The tension eased. “You’re not wrong, there.” 

Michelle heard the studio door open, and a loud laugh accompanying the boy bursting into the room. He hung up the phone he was talking into animatedly and turned around to see his oldest brother. A huge grin crept to his face when he saw the girl sitting next to Isaac. 

“Chelle!!” Zac exclaimed, dropping his backpack and rushing over to greet his friend. 

“Hey!”

“How far along are you all? What did I miss?” Zac asked, looking around like an excited puppy. 

“We’re done, dude. You and Tay will need to layer in your vocals but the lead is done and Michelle could have done hers in one take, but we did a few,” Isaac replied proudly. 

“What?!” 

“Yeah, man, where have you been?” 

“I was talking to Kate.”

“I’m shocked,” Isaac replied sarcastically. “Do you know where our other brother might be?” 

“Who, Taylor?” 

“That would be the one.” 

“He’s still in bed.” 

“It’s three in the afternoon.” 

“You say that as though you’re surprised. He went out with Alex again last night.” 

“Great.” 

Michelle watched Zac and Isaac look at each other in the strange, speaking without words way they so often did. She felt a bit awkward being there for this conversation, but there was nothing she could really do about it at this point. Isaac excused himself to try and call Taylor. He wanted to finish this track today. 

“So how’s tour?” Zac asked, as he spun the office chair he was sitting in around mindlessly. 

“It’s good! Being here in the studio today kind of makes me excited for it to be done. I know that sounds stupid. But I would choose writing and recording over performing any day.” 

“Really? Gosh, I feel the same way sometimes. Which is weird, because my brothers are the exact opposite. Taylor would love if we could just be on tour every single day. He hates all the shit we’re going through right now because we’re stuck in the studio and writing hundreds of songs that will never see the light of day. But...can I confess something?” 

“Of course!” Michelle exclaimed, immediately regretting how excited she sounded at the prospect of Zac’s confession, but it was nice to be included in the secret club every once in awhile. 

“I don’t really mind how long this whole thing has taken us. I mean...it’s frustrating, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve been getting so much writing done and it’s almost like I’m at school or something. I get to practice. Something I can never really do on the road. And no song is a waste, even if we don’t record it, you know?” 

“Yes! Yes, I know exactly what you mean. There are plenty of songs and even like...single verses that will never leave my brain or my journal but that doesn’t mean they didn’t make me better at what I do and help me write the next song. I totally get it. You’re getting a lot of studio time, too.” 

“Definitely. And, I don’t know. It’s nice not to be on tour. I can talk to Kate whenever I want. I mean, obviously, I wish she was here and not in Georgia but we’re in a good place and that’s cool.” 

“Is she going to come visit you?” 

“I went out there a little while ago, so I don’t know when the next visit is going to be. Also, Taylor is weird about having people come visit and distract us. Even though…” he trailed off, clearly catching himself before he said something revealing. 

“Even though what?” Michelle asked, curious as to what the end of the sentence held. 

At that moment, Isaac reappeared, the missing Hanson in tow. 

“Look who decided to join us!” he said, brimming with false positivity.


	8. Desperately

_Oh why can't I ignore it?_   
_I keep giving in but I should've known better_   
_'cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me_   
_And it's strange that things change_

The recording session had been awkward as soon as Taylor entered the room. Michelle stuck around until the track was finished, adding her opinions while they worked diligently to complete the track that evening. She was glad it was Ike’s song, because he actually listened to her input. She could see Zac and Taylor flash looks whenever she suggested a shift in the levels, or changing the interval of the harmony to create tension. It was their natural reaction to disagree with their brother, but they were trying their best to be polite. There was a part of her that wanted to leave as soon as a clearly hung over Taylor walked through the door, but there was a bigger, much more stubborn, part of her that decided to stay right where she was, and not be scared to look him in the eye. 

“Hey,” she called out to Tay as they all walked out of the studio, the sky having darkened during the hours they were inside. “Are you gonna talk to me, or are you just gonna leave and pretend I wasn’t even in the room with you that whole time.” 

His back was turned to her, but she could see his shoulders raise and lower in a deep sigh. He took a moment before turning around, and when he did, she could see the resolve weakening on his face. He still didn’t say a word. 

“The track ended up sounding pretty good,” she said, stepping towards him. Ike and Zac had already left, making their way back to the rental home. 

“Yeah,” he said, looking down at his feet, “that’s one we definitely want on the album. The hypothetical album that will probably never actually get made.” 

“Why were you so late?” She asked. Taylor looked up at her in surprise. Her voice was low and soothing, with no hint of nag. He grinned ever so slightly. 

“I was out last night. I have plans tonight too, and I should probably get going. We were in there for way too long,” he added, nodding to the studio behind Michelle.

“Where, downtown?” 

“Yeah.” 

He could have turned away and gotten in his car, driving off to wherever it was he always went until the early hours of the morning. Instead, they both stood there, at least five feet in between them, wondering who would speak next. 

Taylor broke the silence. “Do you want to come?” 

Michelle nodded slowly and walked passed Taylor to the passenger side door. He seemed wildly thrilled by her assertiveness, a gleam appearing in his eye that she knew all too well. They drove downtown. She looked at the clock on the dashboard and saw that it was already passed midnight. They really had been in that studio for quite some time. _I could have stayed longer_ , she thought to herself. 

When they arrived at the club, Taylor walked right up the bouncer and exchanged important looking words (Michelle couldn’t hear them over the din of the music coming from inside) and gestured back to Michelle. The bouncer nodded and looked at her, opening the door for them and allowing them to go through. Taylor grabbed her hand and guided her down the stairs to the main floor of the club. 

“Wanna drink?” He shouted over the music.

Michelle nodded. 

Taylor seemed to know quite a few people at the club. He hugged and nodded at nearly everyone he passed on the way to the bar, yelling words into a few people’s ears. He ordered a round of drinks and passed Michelle her gin and tonic, surprising her by remembering her drink of choice. 

One drink turned into three, and three turned into five, Taylor matching her at every sip. She was reminded of something they had discovered before this night - Michelle could handle her liquor much better than Tay. Maybe it was because of the countless high school parties she attended, even after she stopped going to school. Maybe it was because her parents encouraged her to have a social life, and never minded picking her up from those parties after she had consumed the contents of a few too many red solo cups. Maybe it was because while she had been on tour, she never held back after shows. She allowed anyone and everyone to buy her drinks at the hotel bar, or at an afterparty, or in some random club in some random city. 

Michelle and Taylor spun around the dance floor, the look in Taylor’s eyes intense and one that could only be described as desperation. Hunger. Soon, the world slipped out of focus. Michelle giggled and flung her arms around Taylor’s shoulders, allowing him to kiss his way down her neck seductively. They found themselves in a dark hallway, crashing into each other, Taylor shoving her up against a wall as though he was ready to devour her in one swift bite. 

The colors in the club were so bright, and the drumbeats thumped through Michelle’s veins. She forgot about the track they had recorded earlier, and about Taylor’s strange silence in the studio. She forgot that she would be flying out the next evening. She forgot that she still had her last leg of tour to finish up. For now, she saw blue. Her favorite color. The music filled their lungs. 

***

Taylor was awakened by the aggressive vibrating of his cellphone on his bedside table. He let out an audible groan, his head pounding. He knew he went out the night before, but the details were fuzzy. The phone persisted. He heaved himself up to his elbows and twitched slightly in shock when he saw the mess of black hair strewn across the pillow next to him. 

Michelle. 

He sat up all the way and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, attempting to make the world stop spinning for a moment. His phone was still buzzing. He looked over at the tiny screen on the front of the closed phone and saw the name “Nat” flashing. _Of course_ , he thought. He grabbed the phone and went out into the hallway, pulling a t-shirt over his head as he went. 

“Hello?” He answered, finally, his voice gruff and strained from the night before. 

“Tay?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Oh. Sorry, it didn’t sound like you for a second. Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, Nat. I’m fine. Sorry, I just woke up.” 

“Oh...it’s two in the afternoon.” 

“I’m a night owl.” 

“Obviously. Um...you said you were gonna call me last night and you didn’t so I was just checking in,” she said, a slight shade of worry coloring her voice. 

“Oh yeah, I’m sorry. We were in the studio last night and we were there forever. I didn’t realize how long the track was gonna take. I figured you were asleep by the time we left.” 

“Oh, okay. Um. Cool.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Are you okay though? You sound exhausted.” 

“Yeah I’m fine,” Taylor replied, closing his eyes and leaning his head on his hand. He looked around the kitchen, wondering where his brothers were. He couldn’t remember much of the night before. 

“Did you go out last night?” 

“Yeah, I did.” 

“Oh.” 

“Why?” 

“I just...I hate talking to you when you’re hungover. Kate said you went out the night before too. I just...I don't like it.” 

“Are you kidding me, Nat?” 

“...No…” 

“You called me. You can’t be mad at me for being hungover, that’s not...that’s not how it works.” Taylor’s voice rose in volume, and he had to remind himself to calm down. He didn’t want to fight right now. His head hurt so bad. 

“Yes I can! I feel like this is all you ever do anymore, and I hate it.” Natalie said defiantly. He couldn’t deny, they were quite the match. They were both so stubborn. He hated this conversation. It was the very reason he had broken up with her in the first place. She would freak out about him partying with his friends in LA, and he would have to defend himself for having fun. He couldn’t help it that she was all the way in Georgia. It drove him crazy. She drove him crazy. 

Taylor heard footsteps in the hallway and knew that Michelle was awake. “We can’t do this right now. I’ll call you later,” he murmured into the phone and hung up quickly. 

“Morning,” Michelle muttered, her face in her hands, blocking the light from her sensitive eyes. 

“Morning, sunshine,” Taylor smirked. He stood up (too quickly, and steadied himself on the back of the chair) and started the coffee maker. That will help, he thought to himself. “How ya feeling?” 

“Oh, just really awesome,” Michelle shot back sarcastically, making Taylor chuckle. 

“You can drink,” Taylor remarked, remembering slightly the number of shots Michelle had taken like a champ the night before. 

“Oh...I am very aware of that this morning.” 

“Well...I had fun. I can’t remember most of it but...I had fun.” 

“Yeah, me too.” 

Taylor looked across the table at this girl that drove him crazy in a way completely different than how Natalie sometimes made him feel. Michelle was the antithesis of Natalie. Someone who spoke his musical language. Someone that was so incredibly like him that sometimes it made him squirm. Once, they had been working on a snippet of a song that would forever remain unfinished, and they started harmonizing so flawlessly that they both stopped, looking at each other with wide eyes. This girl in front of him had a dream as big as the Arizona sky. She didn’t need him. 

“Do you leave today?” Taylor asked.

“Yeah. I should probably get going. I need to be at the airport in a few hours.” 

“I can take you.” 

Michelle looked down at her hands. “Um...I'd rather you not,” she said, proving Taylor’s point of her independence. 

_Maybe I’m learning_ , Michelle thought to herself.


	9. Breathe

_I've been driving for an hour_   
_Just talking to the rain_   
_You say I've been driving you crazy_   
_And it’s keeping you away_

“What are you doing?” Zac said, walking in on Taylor sitting at the kitchen table, staring at into space. 

“What? Oh um...nothing. Drinking coffee.” 

“You don’t even have coffee in front of you.” 

“I was about to get up and get some.” 

“Oh...okay.” 

Zac rifled in the fridge and found some leftover pizza. He didn’t even heat it up or get a plate, but instead carried the box to the table and sat down with his brother. 

“Are you okay, man? I feel like you’re not all here.” 

“I’m just hung over.” 

“I don’t mean just today. I mean always.” 

Taylor looked up from the table, meeting his brother’s brown, concern filled eyes. He could just get pissed off and storm away like usual. But he was so tired. He didn’t know if he had it in him this time. 

“I feel like a failure,” he said meekly. He hoped Zac wouldn’t press the issue, but he also knew that if anyone was going to make him get something that was impeding their musical progress off his chest, it was his little brother. 

True to form, Zac looked at Taylor with an expectant gaze. One that he wouldn’t drop until Taylor continued. 

“Everything is going wrong. We can’t get this album off the ground and it’s driving me insane. All I know how to do is music, Zac. That’s it. That’s all I can do and it’s all I want to do. And we just keep hitting road blocks and it makes me want to...I don’t know. I just feel like I’m failing.” 

“You aren’t failing, Tay. None of us are. We’ll figure it out.” 

“We keep saying that, and I keep...trying...to be the optimistic voice of the group. I keep pushing us to write more and record more and make more demos but why? What’s the point? No one cares anymore.” 

“Plenty of people care.” 

Taylor let his head fall into his hands. He didn’t want to cry, but he felt tears welling up. He wouldn’t let them fall, he decided. Not right now. 

“Dude, we’re teenagers. We shouldn’t be feeling this sort of pressure from anyone, let alone ourselves,” Zac said, Taylor was always so jealous of his carefree attitude when it came to the band. It had to have been because he was so young when they started. It was all he had ever known. He didn’t even seem to mind the place they were stuck in right now. In fact, his songwriting had flourished in the last few months. Taylor, on the other hand, felt like his brain was stuck in a deep puddle of mud whenever he sat down at the piano to write. 

“Why are you being so nice to me? I would think that Natalie has you on the ‘Taylor is the devil incarnate’ team by now.” 

“Um...because you’re my brother? I don’t even talk to Natalie.” 

“I know but you talk to Kate twelve times a day.” 

“True. We don’t really discuss you. Sorry to break it to you, buddy, but the world doesn’t always revolve around the life and times of Jordan Taylor Hanson.” 

Taylor smirked at his smart-ass brother. When all else failed, Zac could always make him laugh. 

“I was pretty mean to her the other day on the phone,” Taylor confessed. 

“Why, what happened?” 

“She was nagging me about going out all the time. And like, I get it...it’s probably not healthy but I can do whatever I want.” 

“Right. I mean...none of us like that you go out all the time. But I’m not going to try and stop you. You’re young, I’m young. It’s whatever, man.”

“Maybe I should tell her not to come visit.” 

Zac made a face that told Taylor he didn’t agree with that idea. 

“What?” Taylor asked.

“She’s really excited to come. That much I know.” 

“Shit.” 

“It’ll be fine. You’ll spend a few days with her and you’ll probably have a really great time. It’ll be refreshing. I always feel great when I spend time with anyone who isn’t a part of this godforsaken business. You like Natalie. Remember?” 

“You’re right, I do. It’ll be fine. Just gotta remember to not be hungover the day she arrives.” 

“I’ll lock you in this house if I have to.” 

“Thanks, buddy,” 

 

***

Michelle was thrilled to be back on the road. After the strangest encounter with the brothers Hanson to date, being back on the tour bus and watching the country roll passed her allowed her to feel like she could breathe again for the first time in a few days. There were several hours to kill on the drive to Madison, so she sat next to a window and let her mind wander. 

They day she met Taylor was a turning point in her life, that much she knew. And the admiration was definitely mutual, there was no doubt about that, either. But she wondered if that was all it would ever be. Something just out of reach, yearning for each other from afar. There were so many reasons they shouldn’t be together. They both had their careers and were always travelling. They were both committed first and foremost to their music. They were sometimes a bit too much alike. 

The main difference between them was while Michelle often walked through life with hesitation, Taylor swaggered through every situation without a glimmer of fear or apprehension. She would always envy that about him. She didn’t know if she would ever reach that point. 

She looked down at her cellphone. Speak of the devil, she thought, when she saw it was a text from the very boy she had been thinking about. 

_Hey. Thinking about you._

“Well at least we’re in tune with each other,” she muttered aloud to the empty seat next to her. She tucked her phone back in her pocket, not knowing that would be the last time she would hear from Taylor until an early morning phone call in Chicago. 

***

Natalie had never been to LA, and watching her see it for the first time made Taylor smile wildly despite himself. He could see her trying to stay calm, but the small town girl seemed to be buzzing out of her skin with every passing moment. 

He was happy to see her. When he picked her up at the airport, he saw her emerge from arrivals, all smiles and nervous energy. She ran to him, and stopped just short of flinging herself into his arms. 

“Hey!” She said, breathlessly. 

Taylor chuckled at her excitement and swept her up in a hug, kissing her cheek as they parted. He helped her into the car and drove home, listening to her chatter the whole way. He snuck a few looks over to the passenger side. Zac was right, he already felt refreshed just from a few moments with her in his presence. After this visit, he would be renewed with all sorts of energy. 

He tried to make her visit as fun and enjoyable as possible. They went to the beach and did all the stupid touristy stuff that he had gotten out of the way when he was fourteen years old and just beginning his moment of pop stardom. They held hands and got slushies and ate burgers and watched the sunset. For the first time in his life, Taylor actually felt like a teenager. 

Taylor wondered what the protocol was for where Natalie would be sleeping during her stay, but after their first full day together, and a couple hours of making out on the screened in porch, he led her to his room with no hesitation. Nothing happened. They were both pretty wiped out from the day, and in all honestly, Taylor didn’t feel the primal urge to rip her clothes off like he felt with other girls...one girl in particular. But he pushed that thought out of his mind has he snaked his arms around Natalie and held her while they drifted off to sleep. 

She seemed happy when she was with him, but he didn’t know if it was true happiness, or the kind of breathless glee you experience when you’re in a new, exciting, place. Life out in LA was so different from the quiet life she lived in Georgia. She chattered about her senior year, telling Taylor about each one of her classes in detail, and how graduation was so close she could smell it, and how much she would miss the halls of her her high school. 

“I know some people can’t wait to graduate, but I definitely can. I love my school. I love the people. I’m definitely going to be sad on graduation day. I’ll probably be one of those losers who cry and then spend an hour afterwards making my parents take pictures of me with everyone.” 

“Wow you sound nothing like Kate on the matter,” Zac said, coming into the middle of the conversation and flopping down on the couch, cell phone in hand. He flipped it open and started crafting a text message, presumably to Kate. 

“I know, listen, _I know_. It’s not something we agree on. It’s crazy, we used to be so alike when we were younger, and now I feel like we’re so different. Which is fine, of course! We’re still best friends and everything, it’s just funny, I guess. She can’t wait for this last semester to be over, but she has everything all planned out, as usual. She already knows where she’s going to college and she has her summer job lined up. She’s ready to go.” 

As she was rambling she missed the look that shot between brothers. Zac’s eyes asked Taylor if she ever stopped talking, and Taylor’s told Zac that it was a rare occasion when she did. Both of them quietly smirked. 

***

Michelle felt the lights dim around her, a spotlight finding her in the middle of the stage. This part of the show was always the most nerve-wracking few moments of her day. She stepped forward towards the mic and started strumming. No band, no drums, just her and her blue guitar. 

_Love took me by the hand_   
_Love took me by surprise_   
_Love led me to you_   
_And love opened up my eyes_

She closed her eyes and let the music pour out of her. This song wasn’t written about anyone in particular, but here she was, singing it about a blue eyed boy hundreds of miles away. He had found his way into every lyric she sang. Every rhyme she wrote. He was always there, hiding. 

_And I was drifting away_   
_like a drop in the ocean_   
_And now I realize that_   
_nothing has been as beautiful_   
_As when I saw heaven's skies_   
_In your eyes_   
_In your eyes_

***

Taylor wondered if Natalie had ever even been drunk before. She was a popular girl in high school, so surely she had, right? He let himself believe it, as he finished off his beer. Her eyes caught his, blearily, before lunging towards his face. When they broke the kiss he asked her if she was okay. She insisted she was as she grabbed at his shirt. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Of course I’m sure.” 

***

_And every time I drift away_   
_I lose myself in you_   
_And now I see I can be me_   
_In everything I do_

There was nothing to be done at this point. She was too far gone. She thought about him and the music they would make together next time they were together. She thought about how he would defy his family and be with her, living on the road side by side, playing music every night, waking up together every morning with tired smiles and the unquenchable need for coffee. 

_'Cause I was feeling as small_   
_as a drop in the ocean_   
_And now I realize that_   
_nothing has been as beautiful_   
_As when I saw heaven's skies_   
_In your eyes_   
_In your eyes_

 

She looked down at her blue guitar. Her best friend. And all she could see was him. 

***

Natalie filled his field of vision, so he closed his eyes. Their bodies swayed and pulsed together, both of them drunk of beer and wasted time, everything moving too fast for them to even see the scenery passing by. Later, she would tell him she saw stars. All he saw was blue. 

***

Michelle walked offstage smiling. The crowd had been wonderful, hanging on her every word. She decided she would stay outside of the tour bus until every person had been thanked, every picture had been taken, every CD had been signed. She was coasting on the pure high of playing music, and she was sure that nothing could ever bring her down.


	10. Where Are You Now?

_Maybe I'll be better on my own_   
_Nobody ever seems to understand me_   
_It's easier for me to be alone_   
_Until a piece of me that feels so empty_   
_I've been all over the world_   
_I've seen a million different places_   
_But through the crowds and all the faces_   
_I'm still out there looking for you_

It had been an entire week since Michelle had heard from Taylor, and even that could barely be counted as a conversation. Instead, the last words spoken had been from him, a one sided text that she never bothered to reply to. She was so busy on this leg of the tour that she hardly even noticed the ache in the pit of her stomach, the dull pain that never seemed to quite disappear, longing for him. It was barely noticeable. She had grown accustomed to it. 

“Does it ever drive you crazy? The waiting?” 

“What?” Michelle asked, snapping out of a daydream, realizing that her sister had stopped chattering and was waiting for a response. 

“Did I lose you there for a second? Are you on the bus?” 

“Um...yeah, you broke up,” Michelle fibbed. It was a better excuse than the fact that she had just stopped listening. “What did you ask me?” 

“Does the waiting ever drive you nuts?” 

Michelle wondered what her sister meant. Had Nicole brought up Taylor while she was off in her own world? The waiting did drive her nuts, but at the end of the day, she didn’t really know any other way to love. This was what she thought love was. 

She had so many things she wanted to say to Taylor, but she knew that she probably never would outside the context of a song. She knew that the way he looked at her meant that she had hooked him, in one way or another. Whether he was fixated on the idea of her, the lyrics that came pouring out of her pen, or her dark eyes so unlike his own...she still wasn’t sure. But she saw what he was doing. She always knew what they were always, inevitably doing. They spent so many nights up late at his rental home, his blue eyes gazing at her over their half finished beers, something clicking inside his brain. Something that maybe he didn’t realize until the it was triggered by alcohol, or maybe it was because she had trouble looking directly into people’s eyes until she was sitting face to face with them and didn’t really have a choice in the matter. 

She knew that she wasn’t the one he would decide to make his own. She knew enough about his family to deduce that much. They didn’t want him to have a siren, whose songs would never stop. She knew she wasn’t the girl he would come home to after a long day at the studio, because, of course, she would want to be at the studio right along with him. She was a flight risk. 

She felt close to Taylor because she had feelings that others couldn’t even begin to imagine, and somewhere, deep inside of her, she believed that he did too. She felt as though she was just beginning to unlock them. She cried loudly and laughed even louder, and she would, without a doubt, write about him. 

For years to come. 

And yet, she still looked for him at every show. She knew that he had a habit of grand gestures, and wouldn’t have been necessarily surprised if he showed up. She wondered if he looked for her too. 

“The waiting drives me crazy. Yeah.” 

Michelle would never know that Nicole had not been talking about Taylor at all. In fact, he hadn’t even come up in that conversation. Nicole was talking about the waiting that took place from town to town, from event to event, how Michelle would have to wait to hear how well the tour was going before recording another album, how long she would be spending out of her favorite place on earth - the studio. 

After she hung up the phone, she tossed it down on the seat beside her. Seconds later, it lit up, signifying a text. She flipped it open and saw it was from Taylor. 

I need to talk to you. 

The bus shuddered to a stop and she realized that they had made it to Chicago. 

***

Taylor cleared his throat for the fourth time, and flipped open his phone. He had been dialing his parent’s house over and over and slamming the phone shut before it started ringing for nearly an hour. 

That morning, he had gotten a call from Natalie, who had been back in Georgia for nearly three weeks. She was incredibly quiet and apologetic, which made Taylor nervous. She usually had no trouble talking until someone stopped her. 

“Is it too early? I’m sorry. Time zones,” She muttered into the phone. 

“No, I was awake already. I had some songs I wanted to finish today and the only way I was going to get that done was actually waking up before noon.” 

“Oh gosh, I’m sorry. I should probably let you work on that then...I’ll let you go.” 

“It’s fine, Nat. What’s up?” 

“Um…” 

The silence hung in the air all around Taylor’s head. He wondered what his brothers were doing. He wondered if he could finish the song he had been working on today.

“I haven’t told anyone...not even my mom. Um. Only Kate knows because she um…” 

“Wait, sorry, I think I zoned out there for a second. What haven’t you told anyone?” 

“You didn’t zone out, sorry I just…I’m not sure how to do this, I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing, Nat. You’re being weird.” 

“I know, I know...um...okay so. I...should have had my period last week.” 

Taylor blanched at this piece of information. He suddenly knew where this was going and the breath caught in his lungs. 

“But...I didn’t, but I didn’t really think anything of it. I had been travelling and stressed out about school and the squad but then um...I got sick and Kate...Kate bought me a pregnancy test. And...um…” 

Taylor’s eyes drifted out of focus. The world went fuzzy around him. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

His knees buckled and he fell down onto the bed behind him. He felt like he was going to be sick, and before he could make it to the bathroom, vomit began to creep up his throat and spill onto the hardwood floor. He covered his phone so that Natalie wouldn’t hear. 

“Taylor?” 

He wiped his face with the back of his hand, disgusted at the puddle of sick in front of him. He put the phone back up to his ear and covered his eyes with his other hand. Everything around him was too bright, too garish, to look at. 

“Taylor, please say something.” 

He took a few deep breaths, afraid that he was on the verge of vomiting again, even though he was pretty sure that he had emptied all the contents of his stomach. 

“Are you….are you sure?” 

He heard Natalie take a deep breath. “Yes. I took a few tests just to be on the safe side.” 

“Um...are you…” 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.” 

“I’ll definitely be able to graduate in May. I’ll only be three months by then and shouldn’t really be showing.”

“How long have you known?”

“What?” 

“How long did you wait to tell me?” 

“Only a few days.” 

“And only Kate knows?” 

“Yeah. She promised she wouldn’t tell Zac until you did. She can keep a promise, trust me.” 

“I um...okay. I should probably...tell my brothers and my parents.”

“Yeah, of course um...do what you need to do. Just. Call me later, okay?” 

“Yep.” 

“Bye, Tay.” 

Taylor hung up the phone and flopped back onto the bed. He could smell the vomit on the floor but he couldn’t get up to clean it. He felt as though he had lost all control of his legs, his knees still felt weak. 

About an hour later, Isaac walked into the bedroom to see where Taylor was and noticed the puddle on the floor, along with his sedentary brother.   
“Ummmm...Tay? Whatchya doin’ there, bud?” 

Taylor uncovered his face and saw his older brother framed by the door. His entire world was crashing down around him and there he was, laying on a bed, feeling as though he could pass out at any moment thanks to his now empty stomach. 

“Natalie is pregnant.” 

“Oh, shit.” 

“Yeah.” 

“What are you all gonna do?” 

“Ike, I swear to God, I can’t discuss our future plans right now, she just told me and I still have to clean this up and holy fucking shit she’s pregnant. She’s _pregnant_ ,” Taylor felt his heart rate quicken and his breath grow shaky. Ike sprang into action and got a rag, cleaning up the vomit selflessly while his brother attempted to hide the tears streaming down his face. 

Taylor spent the whole day in that bedroom, and now the sun was long gone. He still hadn’t worked up the courage to call his parents. He kept opening and closing his phone, wondering how to go about telling them. He never had a problem crafting the perfect lyric. So why was this so hard? 

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone started vibrating, HOME flashing across the tiny front screen. He flipped it open and took a deep breath, his vision once again getting fuzzy. He hadn’t eaten all day. 

“Hello?”

“Just checking in, Tay.” 

Taylor closed his eyes, attempting to steady himself. It was his father. 

“Hey, Dad. Is Mom there?” 

“Yeah she’s in the kitchen.” 

“Can you get her? I need to talk to both of you.”


	11. Hotel Paper

_You turned out to be more than I bargained for_   
_And I can tell that you need to get away_   
_Forgive me if I admit that I'd love to love you_   
_We both realized it way too late_

Michelle completely forgot to respond to Taylor’s quick text. As soon as she saw it, the bus pulled into the hotel parking lot in Chicago. She made a mental note to respond to him after she found some food (she hadn’t eaten all day and was starving from the long drive). She, of course, forgot to do that as well. 

Once she had a burger in her belly and some caffeine to get her through the rest of the day, she walked the few blocks to Park West, the venue she would be playing the following evening. She liked to have a few quiet moments by herself in any space that she filled her music with, before the hustle of commotion of the actual gig. It made everything a little less nerve-wracking. She flashed the pass she had been given by her tour manager to security and walked in, cautiously finding her way to the stage and looking out into the empty audience. 

Her phone pinged and she rifled it out of her pocket, seeing it was her drummer asking if she wanted to go out that night. She responded quickly (“Yeah, I’ll be back at the hotel in a few minutes”) and berated herself for forgetting about Taylor. She would call him when she was at the hotel getting ready. 

***

Taylor paced around his room holding his phone tightly in his hands. He had been on the phone a lot the last few days, but he knew he had one more phone call to make before he could really get on with the new plans that had formed. He had to call Michelle. He had to tell her the truth. 

After speaking with his parents through massive, body-shaking sobs, Taylor actually began debating running away. It was crazy, he knew, and he also was very aware that he would never actually do it, but the thought crossed his mind more than once. He was messing everything up, and couldn’t stop scolding himself inside his own head. He only left his room to scurry to the fridge and get a beer. 

“Hey man, you okay?” Ike said cautiously, leaning into Taylor’s room, which was becoming even messier than usual. 

“Well no, I’m not, but physically I’m fine, yeah.” 

“Okay. Do you like….want to talk about it?” 

“No, oh my God,” Taylor snapped instinctively. Ike nodded and turned around. “Wait...no, sorry. I’m sorry, Isaac. You know I’m not good at asking for help.” 

Isaac chuckled at that. He was definitely not wrong, but as his big brother, he couldn’t help but try to be there for him. Even if Taylor usually denied his attempts. 

“So how was talking to mom and dad?” 

“A fucking nightmare.” 

“Yeah, I kind of expected that.” 

“I don’t think I’ve ever...felt this helpless before. I feel like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. And I guess I don’t, I should do the right thing. I’m gonna do the right thing.”

“And what is the right thing?”

“Marry her. Start a family. Have a kid.” Taylor heard his own voice start shaking, and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He had cried so much the last few days. He was so tired.

“Is that what you want?”

“Obviously not.” 

Isaac looked down at Taylor, his heart breaking for his brother. He knew that there was no way the current plan was anywhere near what Taylor wanted. He wasn’t even sure if Taylor ever wanted to get married. 

But, then again, he was a Hanson. And Hansons got married. Isaac knew it was only a matter of time before his parents started nudging him to settle down with a nice Christian girl and start having babies. 

“How’s Natalie?”

“She’s fine. I’m gonna fly out to Georgia next week and...officially propose. But...I mean I already asked her and of course she said yes.”

“Do you love her?”

“I’m eighteen, man.” 

***

Michelle wiped a tear away from her face, laughter pouring out of her throat faster than she could breathe, making her eyes water. She and her band had found a bar a few blocks from her hotel, and they were taking full advantage of the night off. She yelped with delight when Eli, her guitar tech, brought over the next round of drinks. She gulped it down, figuring that tomorrow morning she would sleep in as long as possible. The show didn’t start until later that night, anyway. 

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and glanced down in between sips. Taylor again. 

_Please call me soon._

She smiled secretly. She knew she should call him, or at least text him back. But there was something about keeping him on the hook that felt a little too good, as though she was giving him a taste of his own medicine. For now, she got up to dance drunkenly with Eli, who took her hand and swung her around recklessly, causing a fresh wave of giggles to bubble up in her throat. _This is why I love my life_ , she thought happily. The gin in her bloodstream warmed her up from the inside, making her cheeks flush. 

The guys made sure she got back to her room safely, after finally deciding to head back to the hotel. She stumbled through the door and kicked off her shoes before flopping down onto the bed. She heaved a deep sigh, sinking deeper into the pillows. She didn’t want to get up and change out of her clothes, or take off her make up, or drink a glass of water. The bed felt too good. She was just beginning to doze off when her phone, once again, began buzzing. This time, Taylor was calling. 

“Hello?” 

“...Oh...hey, sorry I didn’t think you were gonna answer.” 

“Well, here I am.” 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“How’s Chicago?” 

“It’s good. I went out with my band tonight, and then we have the show tomorrow.” 

“Oh, nice.” 

“Yeah.” 

“So um...I need to talk to you.”

“I gathered as much. Sorry I forgot to text you back it kept...honestly it just kept slipping my mind.” 

Michelle reached for the pad of hotel paper sitting on the nightstand. She began to doodle swirls and stars, mostly to keep herself awake and focused through the conversation. Her head was already pounding. 

“That’s okay I just um...I needed to make sure I got a hold of you today or else I would have lost my nerve.”

“...What?” 

“So um...Natalie is pregnant.” 

Michelle wasn’t stupid. She had deduced enough from the brothers’ conversations to know about Taylor’s ex-girlfriend. She heard him complain about her to Zac. She saw the lyrics he had written about her, some of them kind, some of them not. 

“Okay.” 

“It’s mine.” 

Even though she had just gotten home from consuming copious amounts of alcohol, suddenly Michelle felt stone cold sober. She felt the blood drain from her face. She walked calmly and silently to the window, and stepped out onto the small balcony to get some fresh air, even though it was freezing under the dark February sky. 

“Please say something, Michelle.” 

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’m gonna...I’m gonna marry her.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. So I, um...I just wanted to let you know.” 

Michelle looked back at the clock through the window, the bright red numbers screaming at her as though they were mocking her for being up so late. Two in the morning. This was as good a time as any to have her heart shattered, she supposed. 

“Thanks, I guess.” 

“Yeah. I’ll let you go. Um. Goodnight.”

“Hey Taylor?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I really would have loved to love you.” 

She heard him let out a shaky breath. And then she heard him hang up. 

She looked down and saw that she was still holding the pad of paper with the hotel’s logo blazoned across the top. The cold wind whipped her hair in front of her face and she closed her eyes, letting it temporarily numb her cheeks and fingers. She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. She would be writing. 

The wind felt like cold water on her face. Maybe it came from the ocean.


	12. 'Til I Get Over You

_Every time I feel alone_   
_I can blame it on you_   
_And I do, oh_   
_You've got me like a loaded gun_   
_Golden sun and sky so blue_   
_We both know that we want it_   
_But we both know you left me no choice_

Michelle stayed up the whole night, writing in bursts and doubling over as her stomach lurched every so often. She could feel the alcohol leaving her system, and eventually made herself throw up in the bathroom, something she wasn’t particularly proud of. 

She watched the sun come up through her hotel window, washing the room with golden light. It climbed up the brilliant blue sky, reminding her that no matter what, the day was coming. Time was passing. Things were changing. They were always, persistently changing. When the sun hit her face, she finally let herself cry. 

She chuckled to herself through her tears when she pulled her calendar out of her backpack and saw that it was Valentine’s Day. “How fucking appropriate,” she muttered, as she double checked to make sure she didn’t have any appearances or interviews that day leading up to the show. She sighed in relief when she saw the empty space next to the date. She hoped that this audience was packed with lonely people, because the show would not be one in which she celebrated love. It had burned her. Again. She went back to the pad of hotel paper, where she was still scribbling the bridge of the song she was working on. She crossed out the words she had just written and tried again. The bridge had to be perfect. It had to make the listener hurt. 

_And if you turned around to see me, and I was gone_   
_You should have looked outside your window_   
_‘Cause the sun was coming up._

She played around with the chords until she settled on the simple solution of starting the bridge off with the relative minor chord. This song was going to be simple, but the kind of simple that made you ache. 

Michelle spent the rest of the morning copying the lyrics down neatly on separate sheets of paper, with the chords clearly marked, so that her band could play along with her tonight. She was singing this song this evening, and nothing could stop her. She had to. Even if she cried through the entire song, she needed to sing it. It was pressing on her skin from the inside, begging to be let out. 

Finally, around ten o’clock in the morning, with all the lead sheets done and in a neat pile on the nightstand, Michelle threw on her leather jacket and headed out into the cold February morning to find some caffeine. She was sure she looked like a mess. She was still wearing last night’s clothes (and smeared make-up) and she hadn’t even bothered to look in a mirror before leaving her room. She hoped that there would be no random fan lingering between the hotel and the coffee shop two blocks away. She felt as though she needed about three gallons of coffee to get herself ready for the day. This wasn’t the first time she had stayed up all night writing, but it was the first time it happened after such a blow. Her stomach was sore from heaving into the toilet, but it felt more like someone had punched her. Which she supposed someone had. 

There was no way for her to know that her early morning scribbles were the beginning of her next album, and now that she had begun, she would not stop writing until it had all poured out of her. Something had been unlocked with the words “I just wanted to let you know”, and suddenly, she was bleeding everything out onto the paper through her pen. There was also no way for her to know that she would not hear from Taylor again for years. That she would watch him, through magazine articles and stupid television spots, get married and have a child. She would watch as Natalie gazed up at him adoringly, smiling so hard it must have hurt, still amazed at her sheer luck. She would watch Taylor hold his son in his arms, looking down on the tiny human with a love he had never experienced before. She would watch as the band splintered from their record label, and creating their own, finally winning the battle that she had witnessed. She would watch as their album was finally finished, her voice hiding inside of it, just as Taylor hid in every single lyric she wrote for the next year. 

***

“It’s pretty simple. It’s just in G and there are no weird chords to trip you up. Everything is clearly marked on the lead sheets,” Michelle explained as she passed the pieces of paper around. The band smirked, amused that after a night of drinking and laughing, Michelle had decided to write a brand new song instead of nurse a hangover. They strummed through the chords together backstage, making sure they were all on the same page, and Michelle nodded with approval. 

Michelle was passed the point of exhaustion, and was now coasting on the pure adrenaline of playing a show. She had done it so many times at this point that she could go on autopilot, and let the high of the music steer her through the night. But when she thought about playing the new song, her heart pounded against her ribs. She had to do it. 

She cleared her throat after playing the final chord of “You Set Me Free”, and looked over at the band to make sure they were ready. Usually, she would pluck out the intro of “Goodbye To You”, but tonight...tonight she had a new song. 

“So Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone,” she muttered into the microphone, receiving a mix of cheers and boos in response, making her chuckle. “I um...I finished a song last night. Well, technically this morning, and I was wondering if I could play it for you guys.” The crowd screamed its approval. She began strumming as she continued to talk. “I got a phone call from a friend this morning and um...it inspired this song.” 

She took a deep breath and sang. 

I remember stormy weather  
The way the sky looks when it's cold  
And you were with me  
Content with walking  
So unaware of the world  
Please don't drive me home tonight  
'cause I don't want to feel alone  
Please don't drive me home tonight  
'cause I don't want to go  
Tuesday morning  
In the dark  
I was finding out  
Who you are  
I took your picture  
While you were sleeping  
And then I paced around the room  
If I had known then  
That these things happen  
Would they have happened with you?  
Please don't drive me home tonight  
'cause I don't want to feel alone  
Please don't drive me home tonight  
'cause I don't want to go  
Tuesday morning  
In the dark  
I was finding out  
Who you are  
And if you turned around to see me and I was gone  
You should have looked outside your window  
'cause the sun was coming up  
Please don't drive me home tonight  
'cause I don't want to feel alone  
Tuesday morning  
In the dark  
We were finding out  
Who we are  
Tuesday morning  
In the dark  
We were finding out  
Who we are


	13. It's You

_If tomorrow never comes_  
 _I would want just one thing_  
 _I would tell it to the stars and the sun_  
 _I would write it for the world to see_  
 _And it's you_   
_The light changes when you're in the room_  
 _Oh it's you_  
 _Oh it's you_

Taylor swayed slowly, his new wife in his arms, his brain still buzzing from the past twenty four hours. He wasn’t even sure what song was playing, or how fast the tempo was, or who was on the dance floor with him and Natalie. The entire afternoon felt like it flew by in a matter of minutes. He only seemed to retain flashes. Ike straightening his tie while giving him a comforting look. Zac smirking over his shoulder as he came out of the back hall with Kate. His little sisters giggling in the front row. Natalie’s tear filled eyes looking up at him longingly, complete amazement on her face. His mother, with her hands on her heart, nodding slowly as if to say “you did the right thing, and I’m proud of you”. The fear that persisted inside of his chest. 

He closed his eyes and laid his cheek on the top of Natalie’s head. She looked so happy the entire day, which filled him with some semblance of comfort. It amazed him, to think that this girl who’s life had just completely changed forever, could stand there with a smile on her face and happy tears falling down her cheeks. There was no way she knew what she was in for. This isn’t a life he would wish on anyone. 

And then there was the issue of the child. 

Natalie was almost four months pregnant and she wasn’t showing under her extravagant gown, but it was only a matter of time before everyone knew why the wedding had taken place. The fans were not stupid. In fact, they surprised him endlessly with what they could figure out and piece together. They would see the birth announcement and their brains would go into overdrive, quickly doing simple addition and realizing that Taylor hadn’t happened to fall in love at eighteen. There was a reason for all of this. 

He glanced over and saw Zac and Kate dancing on the other side of the dance floor. They were laughing at something and could barely catch their breath, grasping at each other’s arms to stay steady. That looked like love, maybe. At least the beginnings of it. 

The thought of running away crept up into his mind one more time, but he pushed it away, if only for the girl in his arms who seemed amazed at her luck. 

_If tomorrow never comes_   
_I would want just one wish_   
_To kiss your quiet mouth_   
_Trace the steps of my fingertips_   
_And it's you_   
_The light changes when you're in the room_   
_Oh it's you_

After she played her last show of the tour, Michelle went back home. She arrived late and let herself in, excited to see her parents and sister in the morning, excited to sleep in and lay in the hammock all day, excited to be under the Arizona sky. 

She heaved her suitcase and backpack up the stairs to her bedroom, too tired to do any unpacking tonight, and scurried back downstairs to grab her guitar case. She opened it and took out the notebooks that laid on top of her blue best friend, and stacked them neatly on her desk. She was relieve to have time to organize all the scribbled lyrics she had scrawled on the road into neat, four minute packages. She had so many songs that had bled out of her in the last few months. She knew that her next album was there, in those notebooks, waiting to be unearthed. 

Michelle looked down at her guitar, the deep blue instrument that had been with her through everything. She closed the lid with a sigh. _I think I’ll get a new guitar tomorrow_ , she thought with a smile, and gave herself over to sleep. 

***

“They should be ready in a couple hours. Do you want us to call you when they’re done?” 

“I’ll be out and about anyway, I’ll just stop in later.” 

“Alright, we’ll see you soon.” 

Instead of spending the day dozing in the hammock, Michelle felt some unparalleled need for productivity the next day. Her father made her a huge breakfast, which the whole family enjoyed as the sun streamed into the kitchen, and as soon as she was finished, she grabbed her camera and shoe box of undeveloped film and bounded out of the house with a few specific errands in mind. 

The first was getting her film developed. 

She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with the hundreds of photographs she had taken on the road, but she knew she needed the pictures. The thought of an photo album bored her, why take all these pictures just to tuck them into a book underneath a coffee table somewhere? After she dropped off the film, she walked down the street daydreaming about how she could display the evidence of her adventures. 

The jangle of the bell above the door pulled her out of her thoughts. 

“Michelle!!” she heard someone exclaim from the back of the music store. 

“Sam!” A smile erupted on her face as she ran to her old friend and threw herself into his arms. She had spent hours and hours in this store growing up, and it felt good to be home. Sam’s eyes twinkled when they pulled away from the hug and he could see the happiness and hunger in Michelle’s face. 

“You want an instrument.” 

“How did you know?!” 

“I saw the look. Let’s go, come on. But you have to tell me every single detail about tour while you're looking.” 

Michelle couldn’t wipe the smile from her face. When she was a little girl, Sam had never shied away from letting her touch and hold any instrument she wanted. He let her stay in the store for hours strumming and practicing. He loved watching her awestruck face as other musicians came in to try out instruments she had never dreamed of picking up. 

As she strapped on guitar after guitar, trying to find the one that spoke to her in a way that her old Blue Taylor did, she regaled him with stories from the road. She conveniently left out her trips back to LA and the long, confusing phone calls with a certain boy. She was just getting to the tale of playing a brand new song for a sold out crowd in Chicago when she yelped. 

“This is it,” she said, looking down at the guitar. 

“Oh, a hummingbird. That’s an awesome choice, young lady.” 

Tears sprung to her eyes with no warning. The instrument was beautiful. It was made of deep golden wood, a color that reminded her of the sun as it was going down on a long day. There was gorgeous detailing on the pickgaurd - flowers and vines and even a little bird flitting through the greenery. She smiled. The guitar didn’t remind her of anyone. The color of the wood didn’t bring to mind anyone’s eyes or the feeling that still resided in the pit of her stomach when she heard his name. The guitar was her. All her. 

“Yeah,” she whispered. “This is the one.” 

***

Michelle put a Joni Mitchell album on her record player and sat on her floor, sifting through the hundreds of newly developed photographs. As she rifled through them, she saw many pictures of Taylor. Driving, singing, playing, sleeping. She would not remove any of them from the pile. He was part of her story. She decided when she got back to LA, she would put all of these pictures from the road on her wall, so she could look back at the amazing adventures she had been on in the last few months. 

_I remember that time that you told me, you said_   
_"Love is touching souls"_   
_Surely you touched mine 'cause_   
_Part of you pours out of me_   
_In these lines from time to time_

Michelle’s breath caught in her throat, the lyrics she was listening to making her ache with memory. She could see a story unfold in the pictures she had taken of Taylor. She could see him fall in love with her, and see him pull away. And now that she knew the ending, she could very clearly see one side of a love story. 

It just wasn’t hers.


	14. Outro

I believe in soulmates. I have since I was a little girl. 

I didn’t hear from Taylor for years after that cold, February morning. It wasn’t difficult to stay out of each other’s lives. The golden days together in the city of angels were over. There were no more windy walks to the beach, no more falling asleep in each other’s beds, no more philosophizing at midnight over our contraband beers. Suddenly, that time of reckless youth was long gone. 

Years later, at an event in LA, I ran into him. His wife was at the table on the other side of the room. My husband was in the bathroom, my little girl asleep at home, as I’m sure his children were as well. We looked too nice, too put together, to be standing there looking at each other. We weren’t supposed to be in a tux and a full length evening gown. We were supposed to be in ripped jeans and t-shirts, our leather jackets slung over the backs of chairs as we smoked cigarettes and played our guitars on the screened in porch. We were supposed to have bags under our eyes from going out the night before, and tired voices from staying up too late. We were supposed to be too young to know how much our lives would change. How much it hurt to grow up. 

“Michelle.” 

“Tay,” I responded, immediately regretting using his nickname so casually. Our bodies pulled towards each other, as though they remembered the nights pushed up against the wall outside my apartment. 

“How have you been?” 

“Good!” I knew I sounded too eager. Too excited. “I’ve been really good. My husband Teddy is here somewhere, I would love...I would love for you to meet him.” 

“Yeah, Nat is back there. I guess you never actually met her.” 

“No I didn’t.” 

“Well you can come back to the table with me --”

“Does she --?”

“No.” 

“Oh...okay. Um…” 

“You don’t have to though…”

“Okay. How are the babies?” 

“They’re so great. God, I want to be the guy that pulls out his phone and shows you pictures of all of them, but I’ll spare you. Maybe next time. How’s Owen?” 

“She’s so beautiful,” I said, pulling out my own phone and showing him the lock screen, which was a picture of my daughter. 

“Whoa. She looks just like you.” 

“Yeah, she’s my little mini-me. I love her.” 

I glanced back at my table and saw my husband take his seat, looking around aimlessly for me in the crowd. 

“I should get back,” I said, not wanting to leave the conversation quite yet. We had so much to catch up on, years of our lives making music and writing songs about each other. I wished we could go somewhere in private and just talk, or not talk, for hours. Just like we used to. 

“Yeah, me too.” 

“It was um...It was great to see you, Tay.” 

“You too, darlin’,” he said with a smirk, and turned away. 

I believe in soulmates, but probably not in the way you do. I believe that people come into our lives and change the course of it forever. People that we would not be the same without, people that give us songs to write and memories to ponder. 

I believe that some people are hurricanes, reminding us why storms are given human names. I believe in the people that flood our lives, annihilating everything we thought we knew in the process. The kind of people that make you think you want to give up instead of treading the water that will just not stop rushing in under the door. Because in the end, they wash you clean. They scrub away the stains, leaving nothing but the smell of rain and the bright blue of a clear sky. 

I believe that some people are summer evenings, talking late into the night (or rather early into the morning), the stars out in full force, the only witnesses to the whispers you share. They are the moment you feel like nothing else in this whole world exists except you and them. The are the air rushing through the broken car window or the songs on the radio that you somehow harmonize perfectly to, delirious on lack of sleep, drunk on gin and secrets, legs aching from dancing the night away. Your heart so full that you fall asleep with a laugh still in your lungs.

And there are some people…

Some people that are both.


End file.
